the will to want

first i'd like to take a moment and apologize to the readers of this blog, notably the people who take a moment to comment. i would like to appologize for i have added the security "insert the letters in the pic" option, and that is because i kept receiving ads and spam comments on the blog, and the lazy ass that i am hates having to clean up the blog.
so please do not get discouraged and turned off by it: please keep commenting...
am sounding a bit desperate here... coz i am...

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i find myself often in the situation of wanting to want. and even more often looking for the will to want.
it is easy to ride through life without really attempting to do; but what about attempting to want? is dream, fantasy, ambition too much to ask for? too hard to find? or simply too difficult to achieve?
are we afraid to dream? are we afraid to think the impossible or wish for the unattainable?

i know from my own experience that i am definitely not afraid to dream, but i am afraid to want. is the expectation too much to handle? how do they do it—the wanters—how do they do it? how do they start? do they wake up one morning knowing what they want? or do they keep working at knowing what they want until they know what they want? and does what they want change with time and adapt to the feasible, and so they finally get to knowing what they want? or is it an unshakeable unalterable given that imposes itself?

i want to want. but i can't find the will to do so.
who wanna want me with me? coz am tired of wanting to want by myself. and maybe we could find in each of us the will to want.

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yesterday i went out alone for the first time. and what i mean by went out alone, is that i went to sociales all by myself, with no plans of meeting someone there or someone meeting me there. it was ok, except for the feeling of being at a loss. what to do... i didn't mind sitting by myself, coz i often am by myself, but because i was in a state of being/going out, nothing was on my mind and nothing was cogitating up there, hence i couldnt entertain myself.

it's hard to go out by oneself. i always thought so. but now i know so.
hard. truly hard.

going out by oneself becoz one's life is hard, or one is pissed, or one needs time by oneself is extremely healthy, and should be experienced by everyone at least once. but to go out for the sole intention of going out (entertain oneself by having a drink, a bite, a chat) is very hard. coz then one is at the service of the people around him and their states of mind. one needs to adapt. becoz he/she went out in the first place becoz of lack of a state of mind (or at least the lack of an entertaining one), in search of entertainment.
the experience is definitely unlike the alone-at-the-movies experience, ma fi nisbeh... at the movies you are drowning in the dark omnibulated by the one image and the one sound that are immersing the whole space you are in. you are completely absorbed in the movie that u often forget that u r sharing the space.
but if u go out by yourself you r constantly reminded that u r by yourself and not with the others.
it is not a u vs. them situation. if it is, then u have deep issues. it is an exercice in one's social skills. and mine seem rusty.