Beirut on July 31, 2006

Beirut from Ain Saade


ashrafieh


Port and downtown


i woke up tired today.
it is hard for me to process yesterday's happenings.
———

it occured to me yesterday that for the first time—or at least as far as i can remember— i am conscious that i am afraid. not afraid, like i'm afraid to miss the plane, or afraid to fail. but i'm talking of the genuine basic emotion called fear.
According to the Merriam-Webster:

Main Entry: ²fear
Function: noun
Etymology: Middle English fer, from Old English f[AE]r sudden danger; akin to Old High German fAra ambush and perhaps to Latin periculum attempt, peril, Greek peiran to attempt
1 a : an unpleasant often strong emotion caused by anticipation or awareness of danger b (1) : (2) : a state marked by this emotion
2 : anxious concern : SOLICITUDE
3 : profound reverence and awe especially toward God
4 : reason for alarm : DANGER
synonyms FEAR, an instance of this emotion DREAD, FRIGHT, ALARM, PANIC, TERROR, TREPIDATION mean painful agitation in the presence or anticipation of danger. FEAR is the most general term and implies anxiety and usually loss of courage <fear of the unknown>. DREAD usually adds the idea of intense reluctance to face or meet a person or situation and suggests aversion as well as anxiety dread>. FRIGHT implies the shock of sudden, startling fear <fright at being awakened suddenly>. ALARM suggests a sudden and intense awareness of immediate danger alarm>. PANIC implies unreasoning and overmastering fear causing hysterical activity panic>. TERROR implies the most extreme degree of fear terror>. TREPIDATION adds to DREAD the implications of timidity, trembling, and hesitation trepidation>.

i cannot remember the last time i was genuinely afraid. i recollect a similar feeling of anxiety and stress—the pain in the stomach, the headache, the nausea... but not that feeling of helplessness tied to an incomprehension of the feeling itself —not to mention its consequences on the physical self—, mixed with a dreading of the unknown.
your heart races, ur stomach squinches, ur head turns, ur legs sag... a horrible feeling...
a torturing experience.
and then the residue of it all is that u develop a fear of fear. u start anticipating—especially at night— the emergence of the feeling; u worry it's gonna hit u again, u start overhearing things, u wanna overcome the feeling so u think u can ambush it by avoiding the surprise, but that is fear itself. so u build up the scenario and worry and stress. and it all curls up into one huge ball that squeezes ur heart into ur lungs, a huge ball of uneasiness, that clogs ur throat, moistens ur eyes, quivers ur voice and leaves u all jittery.
this all happens between the first time u hear a boom or the airplanes flying above u until an hour after it all stops.

they say it's a psychological war, it's a war of nerves, but what it really is, it's a wrecking of nerves. from a 7arb a3sab to a 7are2 a3sab.
coz a war implies two parties, an attack and a retaliation, an argument and a counter-argument, ... but in our case there's no counterweight, no reply... we r not applying the same tension on the other party... we r only bearing pressure and we r not pressuring...

nous subissons et ne faisons pas subir.

and this is the reality of the situation, whatever u hear on TV or read in a newspaper.