Beirut on July 31, 2006

Beirut from Ain Saade


ashrafieh


Port and downtown


i woke up tired today.
it is hard for me to process yesterday's happenings.
———

it occured to me yesterday that for the first time—or at least as far as i can remember— i am conscious that i am afraid. not afraid, like i'm afraid to miss the plane, or afraid to fail. but i'm talking of the genuine basic emotion called fear.
According to the Merriam-Webster:

Main Entry: ²fear
Function: noun
Etymology: Middle English fer, from Old English f[AE]r sudden danger; akin to Old High German fAra ambush and perhaps to Latin periculum attempt, peril, Greek peiran to attempt
1 a : an unpleasant often strong emotion caused by anticipation or awareness of danger b (1) : (2) : a state marked by this emotion
2 : anxious concern : SOLICITUDE
3 : profound reverence and awe especially toward God
4 : reason for alarm : DANGER
synonyms FEAR, an instance of this emotion DREAD, FRIGHT, ALARM, PANIC, TERROR, TREPIDATION mean painful agitation in the presence or anticipation of danger. FEAR is the most general term and implies anxiety and usually loss of courage <fear of the unknown>. DREAD usually adds the idea of intense reluctance to face or meet a person or situation and suggests aversion as well as anxiety dread>. FRIGHT implies the shock of sudden, startling fear <fright at being awakened suddenly>. ALARM suggests a sudden and intense awareness of immediate danger alarm>. PANIC implies unreasoning and overmastering fear causing hysterical activity panic>. TERROR implies the most extreme degree of fear terror>. TREPIDATION adds to DREAD the implications of timidity, trembling, and hesitation trepidation>.

i cannot remember the last time i was genuinely afraid. i recollect a similar feeling of anxiety and stress—the pain in the stomach, the headache, the nausea... but not that feeling of helplessness tied to an incomprehension of the feeling itself —not to mention its consequences on the physical self—, mixed with a dreading of the unknown.
your heart races, ur stomach squinches, ur head turns, ur legs sag... a horrible feeling...
a torturing experience.
and then the residue of it all is that u develop a fear of fear. u start anticipating—especially at night— the emergence of the feeling; u worry it's gonna hit u again, u start overhearing things, u wanna overcome the feeling so u think u can ambush it by avoiding the surprise, but that is fear itself. so u build up the scenario and worry and stress. and it all curls up into one huge ball that squeezes ur heart into ur lungs, a huge ball of uneasiness, that clogs ur throat, moistens ur eyes, quivers ur voice and leaves u all jittery.
this all happens between the first time u hear a boom or the airplanes flying above u until an hour after it all stops.

they say it's a psychological war, it's a war of nerves, but what it really is, it's a wrecking of nerves. from a 7arb a3sab to a 7are2 a3sab.
coz a war implies two parties, an attack and a retaliation, an argument and a counter-argument, ... but in our case there's no counterweight, no reply... we r not applying the same tension on the other party... we r only bearing pressure and we r not pressuring...

nous subissons et ne faisons pas subir.

and this is the reality of the situation, whatever u hear on TV or read in a newspaper.

rally or riot?

the view of beirut from here is getting drowned in the white fog again. gettin bleached again.
is it beirut letting us know of what she feels? the pain? the hurt?
the people rallied in down town around the escwa building, and of course as expected, the rally turned into a riot. people throwing stones at the building, trying to break the windows, forcing the doors. people are going crazy. u can see some people in the crowd trying to stop the frenzy, pulling back the people with the stones, standing between the rioter and the building.
it is sad.
and now Rice declared it was time for an immediate cease-fire. it is time, she says. she waited for another massacre to happen. la classe.
there's a cnn anchor that blew my mind today. i decided am gonna love him. he pressured and cornered an israeli high-placed military man. fasshalleh khel2eh akhoo el dyeneh. it was beautiful; for once somebody making sense, somebody who knows how to argument, counter-argument and prove a point by (mis)leading the israelis into an answer that contradicts what they say. he made him/them naked in front of the world (or at least the audience).
and now they are naked self-righteous bastards.

———
i am chatting with ola chica on msn. and she is saying she can't take it anymore, that she wants everything the way it was again.

but will it ever be the same again?
those days are gone forever. how can we go back? and go back to what?
they broke our souls, they took our lives and hijacked our futures.

will anyone ever learn to forgive so we can turn the page after all this shit stops?
i doubt it. people hold grudges. people never forget.

———
all i/we ever wanted was peace. can't they just forgive and forget. can't they just exchange the prisonners and give us back Chebaa Farms and fuck off?

Beirut on July 30, 2006

Beirut from Ain Saade


———
Tonight was the first night in a week that i sleep well. Unfortunately i woke up to the news of the Qana bombings.

I was going through the washington post website, flipping through images they have of the latest news on the war. there was a photo of an israeli soldier being greeted by his wife on his return from combat. the wife had a camera in her hand. obviously she was happy to see her husband, happy he returned safe; but a camera? i still do not understand how people can rejoice about any kind of violence or any offspring of the violence.
the man was in a war—true.
His wife is happy he's back safe and sound—fine
but the camera? what picture did this camera take? the instant of the return or the testimony of the war? what is there to take forever with you? i don't understand...
and i can't find the words to explain my thoughts... ma 3am bifham...

what has she exactly caught on the camera, in that photo that merits the survival to the test of time?
the happiness? the glory? the pride? the vengeance? the hatred? the bigotry? what?!?

Beirut on July 29, 2006

Beirut from Ain Saade


———
I was thinking while showering about what i had talked about last time; the memories and illusions. and i remembered the latest Aïzone campaign (created by H&C Leo Burnett), the "i had a dream" campaign—fairy-like figures with dreamy fantasy-like settings, bubbles, light colors, happy places...
A good follow up for this summer would probably be "... and the dream ended up as a nightmare" campaign (or "...woke up into a nightmare" campaign)—blood, destruction, ruins, dead people, burned people, wounded people, crying people all dressed up to the latest fashion by the luxury brands... running mascara, smudged lipstick, teary eyes, torn clothes... very dramatic and tragic... i should sell this idea to aizone... i'd make money off the bourgeoise too. they make a great job of twisting human conditions to their advantage, why not war too?
Another campaign could be "... and i woke up crying": sicilian widows theme, to the old Dolce&Gabbana style—they ripped off Diesel campaigns, why not D&G ones too?

ok, i should probably stop lynching the aizone campaigns. but i need exercise, my mind is numb.

———
T is here. my buddy is here. gtg.

Beirut on July 28, 2006

Beirut from Ain Saade—Note the black strip of shit in the sky


Dahyeh from Ain Saade


Ras Beirut/Ashrafieh from Ain Saade



Port from Ain Saade



Today, there's a bluer sky. the reason is of course that israel spared dahyeh and beirut tonight.
The grey/black strip of pollution is getting thicker day by day. 3azeem. tawash. thank you israel.

———

i don't feel like talking much today. except i got a phone call from my client to resume the work. am happy things are still rolling in. we will survive israel, we will survive all of them.
unless of course this turns into a fucking catastrophe, with Al Qaeda's video yesterday—who asked them for their opinion? as if we needed more escalation. Are they trying to turn this into a thirld world war? what's with the hatred?

———

it's my brother's birthday today. Happy birthday bro. hope next bday is more peaceful.

Beirut on July 27, 2006

Beirut from Ain Saade



Port from Ain Saade



Dahiyeh from Ain Saade



where did the blue skies go? reminds me of the Bank Audi billboard on the streets.
fuckin war.
beirut is all fogged up. can't see anything.
is beirut disappearing? maybe it's getting bleached... we'r being erased... or maybe beirut is just an image, a photo that was badly developped; bad photo paper... bad exposure...
it has to be the photo, the image, coz i saw beirut, i was there, not so long ago... it's real, beirut is real.
or maybe was it a mirage, a hologram. reminds me of that anime Memories. when those astronauts walk into that abandoned ship where the soprano's memories are kept in the form of holograms. the guys walk into the hologram sometimes believing in it and so they can interact with the memory; and sometimes deceived by the image and find themselves walking through the hologram, only to find themselves in a swamp.
that is probably what happened to us this last year, isn't it?
The manifestations, the hollow victory, the promise of a better lebanon...
We believed in the hologram and so we lived in it, until we were drawn out of the illusion to find ourselves in a swamp.

How naïve we have been. and how utterly stupid.

Even after all of this, people still manage to be at each other's throats. yesterday on Kalam el Nass, they gathered 12 or so young "politically engaged" (at the absence of a better term) lebanese asses; they were gonna kill each oter repeating hollowly the ideologies that had been fed into their minds ever since they can('t) remember. Failing to find words and ideas to adapt to each other's comments; each and every one of them went into monologues reminding people of 20 year-old arguments, stories and idiosyncracies of their parties. these are supposed to be thinkers of tomorrow. why are we enraged that the israelis are wageing a war on us. maybe we really need to be wiped out. we have never done anything good to this land, have we? Lebanon has been good to us, and we have been the worst to it.
History repeats itself i guess. i hate this phrase. fatality...
Why are people always afraid to think for themselves?
...

———
today, it has occured to me that my survival as a freelancer is seriously jeopardized. i need to either find a job here or go outside, leave he country. the first is not only appalling in concept but improbable—the sector i work in has the most dubious future ahead. And so the leaving the country is semi-forced, unless i completely forget dreams of making it in my profession, and resort to a different vocation altogether.
So, just for the heck of it, let's indulge in planning a future to meself—+thinking out loud helps me take decisions.
If i leave the country, i can either work or learn. if i work, then i need to apply to a company—as i cannot freelance outside since i have no contacts whatsoever, and money has to be made fast, hence it leaves me no other option than the 9-to-5-hell-hole.
if i learn, i can either apply to a university or apply to an internship. in the former case, i am left clueless as for my interest in further studies; and in the latter, hell! why not? but only if it is irrelevant to my main vocation/discipline—which leaves me with a huge array of options.
Or, hey, i can go park my ass at some relative or friend's place.

And so now we moved to ain saade. at least i get to see the action.
am happy, i have relocate the ZOoz activities to here, with full power on. i will be able to work at least, keep the engines running.
I think i am accustomed to the idea of being at war. after a week of conscious self-control, i have hit a 2-day streak of i-can't-believe-this-is-what-it's-come-to; and now i am ok with it. not the war, but the war adapting mode.
i feel ma ileh 3azeh.
i feel like breaking into a hysterical laugh. Yesterday i finally had a ride in beirut. Alf and i drove through beirut, had breakfast in Ristretto and then we worked a bit. And i saw T, and then we went to check on the Muwatinoon and the Samidoon in Sanayeh. Waow. i can't believe i missed all this action—and am still missing it right this instant. I master the art of being insignificant and completely useless.
the self-pity session is officially over.
———
Zeina sent me a link to a blog she contributes to. in it there's a day-to-day recap and a mapping of the israeli attack. i was so happy to see that map. it's unbelievable to see all that violence as circles on a map. in my boring faraya days, i had dreamt of a mapping for the war. am happy i saw my dream come to life, although not by me—story of my life.
———
yesterday, on my road down from faraya, i was shocked by the dust/pollution over beirut. it had hit me before that the amount of pollution would've risen considering the showers we've been getting from the israelis; but the sight is something else. el 7akeh mish mitl al shawfeh.
———

ayreh b7ayateh

i can't believe this is happening.
i can't believe i had to leave home.
i can't believe i had to leave Beirut.
we had to go to faraya. My dad wanted pasta. so we went to the intercon in Mzaar for dinner.
unbelievable fuckin lebanese bourgeoisie.
these people are disgusting. Showing off their money and clothes. looking at each other from their tables. wondering who has the newer nose in town. wondering if the sexy girl's boobs are real. are these the new diesel jeans? oh my god! i can't believe she bought them before me. and those manolo sandals. and those empty guys telling their stupid stories of how they survived the night under the tayaran.
fi 3alam rey2a.
w fi 3alam khalsa.
w fi 3alam m2ayra.

and the worst fi 3alam metit.
w fi 3alam 3am bit moot.
and there's nothing i can do.
coz i don't know what to do, and how to do.

convincing argument

beirut, lebanon—2006