woohoo
65... 65... 65... 65...
lalalla lalalla
can't wait!
can't wait!!
65... 65... 65...
19.12.06
10.12.06
saba7 el kheir
am watching the gebran tueni thing. and she says saba7 el kheir. and am thinking what kheir?
for 2 weeks now we have been in a shitty situation. the country is rapidly going down the drain since the march 8 coalition is in the streets. is it for a better tomorrow?
even if this is what they wish for, is the situation salvageable still?
what next?
have we lost it all?
i dont see how a new improved government can help us get out of the mess we're in.
as always a struggle for power, a struggle that instrumentalizes the people, the crowd for individuals who wouldn't care less about the greater good or cause. individuals who care only of personal wealth and power.
say no to politicians!
hey, you! say no to politicians!
NO! NO! NO TO POLITICIANS!
yalla kilna sawa! no! no! no to politicians!
yes yes yes for zoozoo!!!
———
fe, i didn't like the new danger mouse album... is too hip hoppy for me.
———
we will wait.
i will wait.
for the situaiton to blow over.
for hell to freeze over.
i will wait.
godot shoud be here any moment now. he misscalled me when he left home. but u know him, he's always late. il aime se faire attendre.
———
14 days till i fly to ghana.
hurray!
i wanna go to africa!
i'm gonna miss my bro who's coming for the holidays... that sucks.
but africa, the lions and the tigers await!
the savana calls.
zoozoo zoozoo zoozoo zoozoo
for 2 weeks now we have been in a shitty situation. the country is rapidly going down the drain since the march 8 coalition is in the streets. is it for a better tomorrow?
even if this is what they wish for, is the situation salvageable still?
what next?
have we lost it all?
i dont see how a new improved government can help us get out of the mess we're in.
as always a struggle for power, a struggle that instrumentalizes the people, the crowd for individuals who wouldn't care less about the greater good or cause. individuals who care only of personal wealth and power.
say no to politicians!
hey, you! say no to politicians!
NO! NO! NO TO POLITICIANS!
yalla kilna sawa! no! no! no to politicians!
yes yes yes for zoozoo!!!
———
fe, i didn't like the new danger mouse album... is too hip hoppy for me.
———
we will wait.
i will wait.
for the situaiton to blow over.
for hell to freeze over.
i will wait.
godot shoud be here any moment now. he misscalled me when he left home. but u know him, he's always late. il aime se faire attendre.
———
14 days till i fly to ghana.
hurray!
i wanna go to africa!
i'm gonna miss my bro who's coming for the holidays... that sucks.
but africa, the lions and the tigers await!
the savana calls.
zoozoo zoozoo zoozoo zoozoo
30.11.06
22.11.06
conspiracy theories
i've been reading all morning some blogs i've come to know during the july war. they are brilliant at analyzing current events. it is sad to read people commenting and trying to solve the issue. who did what, who is truly gaining profit of the assassination...
when people go into trying to discover hidden reasons, under-the-table behind-closed-doors deals, conspiracy theories; do they not know that they are serving the perpetrators. a voyage into the dark world of conspiracy theories—audience discretion is advised against absurdity.
theory 1—the most obvious
the syrians killed Gemayel as to weaken and threaten the health of the current government
theory 2—the less obvious, conspiracy theory at a first level, a counter argument to 1
the current government kills Gemayel, trying to frame the opposition.
they do it to give legitimacy to their government, to the brammertz commission and to put the opposition in a tough spot—especially when the opposition was preparing to go to the streets.
this argument is easy, la preuve, suleiman frangié proposed it.
theory 3—the even less obvious, conspiracy theory at a 2nd level, a counter argument to 2
the opposition kills gemayel, trying to frame the government.
this strategy relies on the conspiracy theorists of the first level who will ensure the propagation of argument 2, which is the main idea the opposition wants to spread. the opposition gains support of skepticals who would've been able to foresee argument 2; and hence gives legitimacy to its claims of underachievement and illegitimacy of the current ministerial corps.
this argument is a bit forcé; but current governement supporters need to fight fire with fire.
theory 4—the not so obvious, conspiracy theory at a 3rd level, a counter argument to all other theories
the 3rd current lebanese movement—the one thats not the new opposition nor the new government—kills Gemayel, trying to divide the 2 more powerful clans.
the alternative movement is trying to weaken the 2 other clans, hoping some sparks will be able to ignite further tensions between the two, in the hopes of presenting itself as an impartial transparent replacement for both clans.
a desperate attempt to enter the more serious political scene you say? well yes... but here the question rises: are they the perpetrators of only this murder or the whole bunch of them eversince the attempt on hamade?!? the plot thickens my friends... that 3rd alternative movement is indeed made of has-been politicians... wahahahaahHHAHA, i burst in laughter as i am striking the thick white hair of my persian cat
this argument offers a wholistic explanation of our recent history in murders and power struggles.
theory 5—the not obvious at all, conspiracy theory at a 4th level, no theory even compares
el ossa akbar menna! el moo2amara kbireh! the americans killed gemayel.
george w bush, afraid of the rising democrats and afraid losing his position, with and through the israelis, drowns the country in this chaotic state hoping for another war, in which he can squeeze himself to guarantee a re-election— if not for himself for the republicans; the don't change horses in mid-stream strategy. he needs an axis to fight something (everybody needs an axis): the brits are bored with their blair, and hence bush has to find another ally that he could find in sarkosy, the french elections are due next march. a new axis can be created to fight terrorism. where to find terrorism u ask? iraq is saturated, jordan is their bitch, egypt and syria are out of the question, but wait! there is a small country of indestructible little stupid warriors who get drifted into civil war every now and then; a small country that can be easily divided thanks to a magical potion called sectarianism! hurray the solution is there!!! they pose terrorism as a problem there, and they already did; lebanese politicians started using the term.
And tataaaaa happy republicans everywhere!
am tired...
but i think we can come up with more... spielberg needs a new subject for his next movie, hollywood producers leading the world... yes... yes... am on to something there...
sniff sniiff i can smell something weird... sniff sniff... the smell of stupidity...
when will people stop wasting their time and fight for their civic rights instead of the feodal politicians of ours? when will they wake up?
when i count to three i'll snap my fingers and u will wake up... 1... 2... 3...
when people go into trying to discover hidden reasons, under-the-table behind-closed-doors deals, conspiracy theories; do they not know that they are serving the perpetrators. a voyage into the dark world of conspiracy theories—audience discretion is advised against absurdity.
theory 1—the most obvious
the syrians killed Gemayel as to weaken and threaten the health of the current government
theory 2—the less obvious, conspiracy theory at a first level, a counter argument to 1
the current government kills Gemayel, trying to frame the opposition.
they do it to give legitimacy to their government, to the brammertz commission and to put the opposition in a tough spot—especially when the opposition was preparing to go to the streets.
this argument is easy, la preuve, suleiman frangié proposed it.
theory 3—the even less obvious, conspiracy theory at a 2nd level, a counter argument to 2
the opposition kills gemayel, trying to frame the government.
this strategy relies on the conspiracy theorists of the first level who will ensure the propagation of argument 2, which is the main idea the opposition wants to spread. the opposition gains support of skepticals who would've been able to foresee argument 2; and hence gives legitimacy to its claims of underachievement and illegitimacy of the current ministerial corps.
this argument is a bit forcé; but current governement supporters need to fight fire with fire.
theory 4—the not so obvious, conspiracy theory at a 3rd level, a counter argument to all other theories
the 3rd current lebanese movement—the one thats not the new opposition nor the new government—kills Gemayel, trying to divide the 2 more powerful clans.
the alternative movement is trying to weaken the 2 other clans, hoping some sparks will be able to ignite further tensions between the two, in the hopes of presenting itself as an impartial transparent replacement for both clans.
a desperate attempt to enter the more serious political scene you say? well yes... but here the question rises: are they the perpetrators of only this murder or the whole bunch of them eversince the attempt on hamade?!? the plot thickens my friends... that 3rd alternative movement is indeed made of has-been politicians... wahahahaahHHAHA, i burst in laughter as i am striking the thick white hair of my persian cat
this argument offers a wholistic explanation of our recent history in murders and power struggles.
theory 5—the not obvious at all, conspiracy theory at a 4th level, no theory even compares
el ossa akbar menna! el moo2amara kbireh! the americans killed gemayel.
george w bush, afraid of the rising democrats and afraid losing his position, with and through the israelis, drowns the country in this chaotic state hoping for another war, in which he can squeeze himself to guarantee a re-election— if not for himself for the republicans; the don't change horses in mid-stream strategy. he needs an axis to fight something (everybody needs an axis): the brits are bored with their blair, and hence bush has to find another ally that he could find in sarkosy, the french elections are due next march. a new axis can be created to fight terrorism. where to find terrorism u ask? iraq is saturated, jordan is their bitch, egypt and syria are out of the question, but wait! there is a small country of indestructible little stupid warriors who get drifted into civil war every now and then; a small country that can be easily divided thanks to a magical potion called sectarianism! hurray the solution is there!!! they pose terrorism as a problem there, and they already did; lebanese politicians started using the term.
And tataaaaa happy republicans everywhere!
am tired...
but i think we can come up with more... spielberg needs a new subject for his next movie, hollywood producers leading the world... yes... yes... am on to something there...
sniff sniiff i can smell something weird... sniff sniff... the smell of stupidity...
when will people stop wasting their time and fight for their civic rights instead of the feodal politicians of ours? when will they wake up?
when i count to three i'll snap my fingers and u will wake up... 1... 2... 3...
21.11.06
another one bites the dust
this afternoon, pierre gemayel was killed in his car. he was shot by gunmen.
crazy.
it's all starting again. all over again.
what the hell.
this is tiring.
am back to surfing from one tv station to another to see who has sth more interesting to say.
no one does.
one would think that after 2 years of experience in monitoring local and international channels i would've finally understood that nothing is worth viewing.
i don't want to belittle the horrendous crime of lynching somebody in his car but when international TV stations and news media refer to pierre gemayel as a powerful prominent christian leader, do you think they are mistaking him with his grandfather? enno, eh min beit el gemayel, w eih christian, bass prominent w leader?
but this still does not undermine the seriousness and gravity of the act and its repercussions. it's completely fucked up.
the situation gets worse and worse.
it feels as if the politicians and all the actors of this political mascarade that has been going on for a bit less than 2 years now think the country can run on politics. what do they think fuels a country? the stupid presidential chair? or the political issues? people are dying slowly. lately everybody seemed bummed and hanging on a thread, in the bus, on the streets, in the waiting rooms, in the restaurants... everybody was trying to stay afloat. it's like in the end in titanic, with kate and leo: the one on the door barely stays alive and the one hanging to it dies.
we already had a lot of trouble waking up in the mornings, wondering why the hell we bothered. now what?
crazy.
it's all starting again. all over again.
what the hell.
this is tiring.
am back to surfing from one tv station to another to see who has sth more interesting to say.
no one does.
one would think that after 2 years of experience in monitoring local and international channels i would've finally understood that nothing is worth viewing.
i don't want to belittle the horrendous crime of lynching somebody in his car but when international TV stations and news media refer to pierre gemayel as a powerful prominent christian leader, do you think they are mistaking him with his grandfather? enno, eh min beit el gemayel, w eih christian, bass prominent w leader?
but this still does not undermine the seriousness and gravity of the act and its repercussions. it's completely fucked up.
the situation gets worse and worse.
it feels as if the politicians and all the actors of this political mascarade that has been going on for a bit less than 2 years now think the country can run on politics. what do they think fuels a country? the stupid presidential chair? or the political issues? people are dying slowly. lately everybody seemed bummed and hanging on a thread, in the bus, on the streets, in the waiting rooms, in the restaurants... everybody was trying to stay afloat. it's like in the end in titanic, with kate and leo: the one on the door barely stays alive and the one hanging to it dies.
we already had a lot of trouble waking up in the mornings, wondering why the hell we bothered. now what?
20.11.06
the will to want
first i'd like to take a moment and apologize to the readers of this blog, notably the people who take a moment to comment. i would like to appologize for i have added the security "insert the letters in the pic" option, and that is because i kept receiving ads and spam comments on the blog, and the lazy ass that i am hates having to clean up the blog.
so please do not get discouraged and turned off by it: please keep commenting...
am sounding a bit desperate here... coz i am...
———
i find myself often in the situation of wanting to want. and even more often looking for the will to want.
it is easy to ride through life without really attempting to do; but what about attempting to want? is dream, fantasy, ambition too much to ask for? too hard to find? or simply too difficult to achieve?
are we afraid to dream? are we afraid to think the impossible or wish for the unattainable?
i know from my own experience that i am definitely not afraid to dream, but i am afraid to want. is the expectation too much to handle? how do they do it—the wanters—how do they do it? how do they start? do they wake up one morning knowing what they want? or do they keep working at knowing what they want until they know what they want? and does what they want change with time and adapt to the feasible, and so they finally get to knowing what they want? or is it an unshakeable unalterable given that imposes itself?
i want to want. but i can't find the will to do so.
who wanna want me with me? coz am tired of wanting to want by myself. and maybe we could find in each of us the will to want.
———
yesterday i went out alone for the first time. and what i mean by went out alone, is that i went to sociales all by myself, with no plans of meeting someone there or someone meeting me there. it was ok, except for the feeling of being at a loss. what to do... i didn't mind sitting by myself, coz i often am by myself, but because i was in a state of being/going out, nothing was on my mind and nothing was cogitating up there, hence i couldnt entertain myself.
it's hard to go out by oneself. i always thought so. but now i know so.
hard. truly hard.
going out by oneself becoz one's life is hard, or one is pissed, or one needs time by oneself is extremely healthy, and should be experienced by everyone at least once. but to go out for the sole intention of going out (entertain oneself by having a drink, a bite, a chat) is very hard. coz then one is at the service of the people around him and their states of mind. one needs to adapt. becoz he/she went out in the first place becoz of lack of a state of mind (or at least the lack of an entertaining one), in search of entertainment.
the experience is definitely unlike the alone-at-the-movies experience, ma fi nisbeh... at the movies you are drowning in the dark omnibulated by the one image and the one sound that are immersing the whole space you are in. you are completely absorbed in the movie that u often forget that u r sharing the space.
but if u go out by yourself you r constantly reminded that u r by yourself and not with the others.
it is not a u vs. them situation. if it is, then u have deep issues. it is an exercice in one's social skills. and mine seem rusty.
so please do not get discouraged and turned off by it: please keep commenting...
am sounding a bit desperate here... coz i am...
———
i find myself often in the situation of wanting to want. and even more often looking for the will to want.
it is easy to ride through life without really attempting to do; but what about attempting to want? is dream, fantasy, ambition too much to ask for? too hard to find? or simply too difficult to achieve?
are we afraid to dream? are we afraid to think the impossible or wish for the unattainable?
i know from my own experience that i am definitely not afraid to dream, but i am afraid to want. is the expectation too much to handle? how do they do it—the wanters—how do they do it? how do they start? do they wake up one morning knowing what they want? or do they keep working at knowing what they want until they know what they want? and does what they want change with time and adapt to the feasible, and so they finally get to knowing what they want? or is it an unshakeable unalterable given that imposes itself?
i want to want. but i can't find the will to do so.
who wanna want me with me? coz am tired of wanting to want by myself. and maybe we could find in each of us the will to want.
———
yesterday i went out alone for the first time. and what i mean by went out alone, is that i went to sociales all by myself, with no plans of meeting someone there or someone meeting me there. it was ok, except for the feeling of being at a loss. what to do... i didn't mind sitting by myself, coz i often am by myself, but because i was in a state of being/going out, nothing was on my mind and nothing was cogitating up there, hence i couldnt entertain myself.
it's hard to go out by oneself. i always thought so. but now i know so.
hard. truly hard.
going out by oneself becoz one's life is hard, or one is pissed, or one needs time by oneself is extremely healthy, and should be experienced by everyone at least once. but to go out for the sole intention of going out (entertain oneself by having a drink, a bite, a chat) is very hard. coz then one is at the service of the people around him and their states of mind. one needs to adapt. becoz he/she went out in the first place becoz of lack of a state of mind (or at least the lack of an entertaining one), in search of entertainment.
the experience is definitely unlike the alone-at-the-movies experience, ma fi nisbeh... at the movies you are drowning in the dark omnibulated by the one image and the one sound that are immersing the whole space you are in. you are completely absorbed in the movie that u often forget that u r sharing the space.
but if u go out by yourself you r constantly reminded that u r by yourself and not with the others.
it is not a u vs. them situation. if it is, then u have deep issues. it is an exercice in one's social skills. and mine seem rusty.
15.11.06
it seems i really don't feel like working today. so i'll talk.
———
was reading hos' post and realised how hard it was for bloggers to find things to talk about. i think people outside the business the blogging business that is don't really appreciate the tough labor it is to write that perfect post. god knows i haven't reached a good one yet, but am plowing my way to it.
take for instance, my earlier post today. the one on dreamers. the subject has been buzzing thru my head for days now and when i came to write it, quite honestly, i don't think i actually made my point. i will come back to it again for sure. because the me-dreamer-not-doer part is a constant worry of mine. and i wanna dream and live the dream eventually, so... it will be back.
bored, on the other hand, has mastered the "visionettes" as hos would call them... the nazariyett... and his posts truly look effortless and never fail to crack us up.
so how does it work? should one look inside or outside for his/her inspiration?
———
on another note, we urge our london immigrant to double her efforts and start writing again.
———
was reading hos' post and realised how hard it was for bloggers to find things to talk about. i think people outside the business the blogging business that is don't really appreciate the tough labor it is to write that perfect post. god knows i haven't reached a good one yet, but am plowing my way to it.
take for instance, my earlier post today. the one on dreamers. the subject has been buzzing thru my head for days now and when i came to write it, quite honestly, i don't think i actually made my point. i will come back to it again for sure. because the me-dreamer-not-doer part is a constant worry of mine. and i wanna dream and live the dream eventually, so... it will be back.
bored, on the other hand, has mastered the "visionettes" as hos would call them... the nazariyett... and his posts truly look effortless and never fail to crack us up.
so how does it work? should one look inside or outside for his/her inspiration?
———
on another note, we urge our london immigrant to double her efforts and start writing again.
2 blogs in one day. there is a god after all...
wanted to announce the birth of 7izb el akrah.
details and opinions shared on the on boredom blog.
wanted to announce the birth of 7izb el akrah.
details and opinions shared on the on boredom blog.
the death of dreamers
i have always been more of a dreamer than a doer.
———
i have been often getting into conversations about my future plans lately. and i guess that a lot of you know how much i was hating my clients and the work i have been doing lately.
and so i have come up with the decision of reducing my design services and trying to invest in a new solo project, which details i won't get into now. as i usually have the habit of doing, i was discussing of the issue with friends. and these conversations always ended up by an unanswered question:
what if i didn't want to get ‘real’?
real in the sense of real life, what the market demands, how the market works, how clients function, how design is appreciated and what creativity means to common mortals. as opposed to me high and mighty elitist snotty divinity of nothing.
what if i am not willing to move that little ugly drawing a bit to the right, or make the logo a bit bigger or change the font to times new roman? or be ‘creative’?
i found myself professing outloud the refusal to reduce myself into a design slave. no more will i succomb to financial pressures and accept rotten projects with rotten clients.
can't i do what the client wants, take the money and turn my back? no. i can't. and no, i don't want to. each time i try convincing myself doing that, i feel like a little kid getting forced into doing sth he doesn't want. i get a headache, can't sleep well, become very aggressive, and plainly just hate. and then why should i? that's like prostituting oneself. is this how u like it? yeah? u like it like that? yeah?...
my job provides rhinoplasty to cleopatra. cleopatra does not need a new nose, she has a perfectly beautiful flawless nose. and what does the new nose serve? nothing, it only serves itself. its existence as a done nose is its reason of existence.
i guess it's too much to ask for. each and every person i talked to had the look or the tone in the voice that clearly said: grow up zooz! wein 3eysheh?! el deneh ma hek bteshteghel... hejik te7lameh.
dreams and dreamers have no place on earth.
why has it come to a time where dreams have no place? why has it come to a time to comply to certain models and not be able to grow beyond them? or even avoid them?
leh, khayyeh? leh? hunh? leh?
———
i have been often getting into conversations about my future plans lately. and i guess that a lot of you know how much i was hating my clients and the work i have been doing lately.
and so i have come up with the decision of reducing my design services and trying to invest in a new solo project, which details i won't get into now. as i usually have the habit of doing, i was discussing of the issue with friends. and these conversations always ended up by an unanswered question:
what if i didn't want to get ‘real’?
real in the sense of real life, what the market demands, how the market works, how clients function, how design is appreciated and what creativity means to common mortals. as opposed to me high and mighty elitist snotty divinity of nothing.
what if i am not willing to move that little ugly drawing a bit to the right, or make the logo a bit bigger or change the font to times new roman? or be ‘creative’?
i found myself professing outloud the refusal to reduce myself into a design slave. no more will i succomb to financial pressures and accept rotten projects with rotten clients.
can't i do what the client wants, take the money and turn my back? no. i can't. and no, i don't want to. each time i try convincing myself doing that, i feel like a little kid getting forced into doing sth he doesn't want. i get a headache, can't sleep well, become very aggressive, and plainly just hate. and then why should i? that's like prostituting oneself. is this how u like it? yeah? u like it like that? yeah?...
my job provides rhinoplasty to cleopatra. cleopatra does not need a new nose, she has a perfectly beautiful flawless nose. and what does the new nose serve? nothing, it only serves itself. its existence as a done nose is its reason of existence.
i guess it's too much to ask for. each and every person i talked to had the look or the tone in the voice that clearly said: grow up zooz! wein 3eysheh?! el deneh ma hek bteshteghel... hejik te7lameh.
dreams and dreamers have no place on earth.
why has it come to a time where dreams have no place? why has it come to a time to comply to certain models and not be able to grow beyond them? or even avoid them?
leh, khayyeh? leh? hunh? leh?
25.10.06
Beirut in the month of october
It's been so long since my last post. don't worry people, am not dead. it's just the corporate real life taking its toll again.
so much has happened.
———
My bro and sis are back! woohooooo! for a visit of course... God is not as generous as some monotheistic religions try to convince us poor souls.
———
Nina and Khello will be tying the knot this december in ghana! woohoo! africa here i come!!!!!
khatib w khatibeh will become jawz w jawzeh; but for practical reasons they shall remain referred to as khatib w khatibeh.
preuve à l'appui
———
ola chica got hitched too. so funny. all the girlies are tying the knot. hahhhayz!
———
matthü is on the billboards in beirut!
———
brilliant marketing strategy. talks straight to the consumer in his/her own language. tawash
abou rakhoussa.
———
———
ghayro.
work sucks.
in case noone noticed previously.
work sucks.
clients suck.
jobs suck.
and design sucks.
design is slavery.
slavery was abolished in 1926 (Slavery Convention, initiated by the League of Nations).
design should be abolished any moment now.
we'll hear about in the news.
i heard the UN created UNICADP, the united nations' international committee for the abolishment of design practices. the committee appointed in every country an investigator to inquire about design sweat shops that have opened fully legally and that undertake the suction of ideas by the means of massive nuclear brainstorming sessions. it turns out everybody knows about it, but it's very hush hush. the big corporation firms have brainwashed their employees into thinking staying for unpaid overtime is cool. stress and frustration is cool too, apparently. these decisions have been vastly welcomed by the tobacco industry and more importantly the alcohol industry. ever since the creation of these sweat shops their sales have increased, and they are definitely back in business.
wishful thinking
did i mention work sucks?
yeah...
tebb enough blabbering. am going back to the sweat shop.
i hate design.
i hate graphic design. it's time and brain consuming and completely useless.
not to mention, often unpaid.
clients suck.
clients should die. not in the litteral sense, of course. "clientness" should die—the state of being a client. that, should die.
i hate.
been hating for a while now.
but i really really hate.
hate.
h.a.t.e.
hate.
so much has happened.
———
My bro and sis are back! woohooooo! for a visit of course... God is not as generous as some monotheistic religions try to convince us poor souls.
———
Nina and Khello will be tying the knot this december in ghana! woohoo! africa here i come!!!!!
khatib w khatibeh will become jawz w jawzeh; but for practical reasons they shall remain referred to as khatib w khatibeh.
preuve à l'appui
———
ola chica got hitched too. so funny. all the girlies are tying the knot. hahhhayz!
———
matthü is on the billboards in beirut!
———
brilliant marketing strategy. talks straight to the consumer in his/her own language. tawash
abou rakhoussa.
———
———
ghayro.
work sucks.
in case noone noticed previously.
work sucks.
clients suck.
jobs suck.
and design sucks.
design is slavery.
slavery was abolished in 1926 (Slavery Convention, initiated by the League of Nations).
design should be abolished any moment now.
we'll hear about in the news.
i heard the UN created UNICADP, the united nations' international committee for the abolishment of design practices. the committee appointed in every country an investigator to inquire about design sweat shops that have opened fully legally and that undertake the suction of ideas by the means of massive nuclear brainstorming sessions. it turns out everybody knows about it, but it's very hush hush. the big corporation firms have brainwashed their employees into thinking staying for unpaid overtime is cool. stress and frustration is cool too, apparently. these decisions have been vastly welcomed by the tobacco industry and more importantly the alcohol industry. ever since the creation of these sweat shops their sales have increased, and they are definitely back in business.
wishful thinking
did i mention work sucks?
yeah...
tebb enough blabbering. am going back to the sweat shop.
i hate design.
i hate graphic design. it's time and brain consuming and completely useless.
not to mention, often unpaid.
clients suck.
clients should die. not in the litteral sense, of course. "clientness" should die—the state of being a client. that, should die.
i hate.
been hating for a while now.
but i really really hate.
hate.
h.a.t.e.
hate.
30.9.06
Beirut on September 30, 2006
Today rudz left for bahrain.
i'm gonna miss that obnoxious loveable brother of mine. but he'll visit soon, and i will try to visit him too. but i still hate it. who's gonna feed me his toes every now and then? who? maybe i can pay someone... haha...
yalla, mitl ma wade3it le2eh ya rabb.
w la3allahoo khayrann.
w allah ywaf2o.
w hoowwa el adar.
shoo fina na3mil.
ba7oobbak radroud. bit7ibbini aah?
———
the screening went very well. our animation was well received. i'll youtube it soon and post the link. it felt good, instant gratification. it made this horrendous week more bearable. i've been swimming or should i say drowning in a badly remunerated and super rushed job. story of my life. i sometimes wonder if i'm made for design services; i should go ifta7 a dekkaneh and live more peacefully. clients are unbearable, no matter how sweet, funny and understanding; a designer cannot but end up hating his client. or maybe that's just me. i think it's a psychological block i have; i cannot be told what to do. ever since i was a kid. maybe that's why it's a bad career choice; i'm not psychologically predisposed to slave for other people. but that leaves me with very few career options... plus to add to the refusal of slaving i have an unconscious need to be liked; or at least to please people around me. i don't mind being hated, but when i do my job i keep worrying how the work reflects on me, not personnally, but the designer.
i have very deep issues that need professional help.
———
akh ya rud...
ntebih 3a 7alak khayyo. show them what u r made of.
missage and loveage.
i'm gonna miss that obnoxious loveable brother of mine. but he'll visit soon, and i will try to visit him too. but i still hate it. who's gonna feed me his toes every now and then? who? maybe i can pay someone... haha...
yalla, mitl ma wade3it le2eh ya rabb.
w la3allahoo khayrann.
w allah ywaf2o.
w hoowwa el adar.
shoo fina na3mil.
ba7oobbak radroud. bit7ibbini aah?
———
the screening went very well. our animation was well received. i'll youtube it soon and post the link. it felt good, instant gratification. it made this horrendous week more bearable. i've been swimming or should i say drowning in a badly remunerated and super rushed job. story of my life. i sometimes wonder if i'm made for design services; i should go ifta7 a dekkaneh and live more peacefully. clients are unbearable, no matter how sweet, funny and understanding; a designer cannot but end up hating his client. or maybe that's just me. i think it's a psychological block i have; i cannot be told what to do. ever since i was a kid. maybe that's why it's a bad career choice; i'm not psychologically predisposed to slave for other people. but that leaves me with very few career options... plus to add to the refusal of slaving i have an unconscious need to be liked; or at least to please people around me. i don't mind being hated, but when i do my job i keep worrying how the work reflects on me, not personnally, but the designer.
i have very deep issues that need professional help.
———
akh ya rud...
ntebih 3a 7alak khayyo. show them what u r made of.
missage and loveage.
25.9.06
"Lawein" in Namleh At3a
it brings me tremendous pleasure to announce that our long awaited yeah, right... animation will be screened during the 1st Namleh At3a event entitled "Shoot the War".
The event will take place this wednesday in Masra7 Al Madina, Hamra at 8.15 pm
21.9.06
Beirut on September 21, 2006
corporate money-making life has taken its toll. i have no time for myself, for special interests and no time for pondering. i have been bombarded by things to do and matters to finish. i am tired. my mind is numb and i cannot create. i cannot think. i cannot cook. cook rice, zoozoo! alfie would say. but zoozoo no can cook, i would reply. and now i am deafened by some cheap aouny song. every 2 days one of those bastard parties of ours has to bore us with their speeches, deafen us with their cheap music and overly nationalistic songs. ideology should die.
———
am back to my studio. hurray. no longer a mhajjara. i like it. is calmer than it used to be, except for the odd aouny song (aounism has chosen an orange house next to sussssussudio). i discovered that rami, our beloved dekanjeh, has not left the building! he chose to rent the dekkaneh next to his previous one, coz it's more comfortable. so rami did not leave. that's a plus.
today i came to the studio, and found meemee sick in the bed. poor meemee she's been sick for some time. i offered to nurse her, but she refused like the independent girl she is.
i have a new fan. it looks akwardly new and hip for our old mostly-inherited and fourth-hand furniture. but it does its job beautifully. i should come up with a name for it. i welcome suggestions with open arms.
———
i have been going to ayyam beirut al sinama'iyah. some cool shit i've seen. i love these events. eeeevents. tghyeer jaww...
i worry about the screening of our animation. i'm increasingly getting convinced that it needed more work... damn... only thinking about it makes my head wanna blow... don't blow, head, i need u! i need u! i need uuuu! aargh!
———
am back to my studio. hurray. no longer a mhajjara. i like it. is calmer than it used to be, except for the odd aouny song (aounism has chosen an orange house next to sussssussudio). i discovered that rami, our beloved dekanjeh, has not left the building! he chose to rent the dekkaneh next to his previous one, coz it's more comfortable. so rami did not leave. that's a plus.
today i came to the studio, and found meemee sick in the bed. poor meemee she's been sick for some time. i offered to nurse her, but she refused like the independent girl she is.
i have a new fan. it looks akwardly new and hip for our old mostly-inherited and fourth-hand furniture. but it does its job beautifully. i should come up with a name for it. i welcome suggestions with open arms.
———
i have been going to ayyam beirut al sinama'iyah. some cool shit i've seen. i love these events. eeeevents. tghyeer jaww...
i worry about the screening of our animation. i'm increasingly getting convinced that it needed more work... damn... only thinking about it makes my head wanna blow... don't blow, head, i need u! i need u! i need uuuu! aargh!
12.9.06
Beirut on September 12, 2006
6 days since my last post, and i c that gardenia and god attracted a lot of fervent comments.
———
i would like to announce the adoption of Jurdenia. Chica, being the awesome friend that she is, decided to buy me a gardenia plant to make up for Gardenia. she bought it from the jurd, hence the name jurdenia. i felt bad for gardenia, i did not want it to think i was replacing her by new and preppy jurdenia; in that sense too, gardenia has an edge on jurdenia— gardenia is from the bourgeoisie and jurdenia, as her name connotes, is from the jurd al 3aleh and hence is a common peasant. see even in botanics, high society and bourgeois attitudes have their ways.
and so i adopted jurdenia on saturday 9th in sofar. left it on sunday, coz i had lunch in fallougha and sent it to beirut with chica as guardian, who failed miserably at guardianship as she left jurdenia at abou naji's. yes abou naji's; don't ask why, i didn't. if it wasn't for hannad, i don't think poor jurdenia would've left abou naji's. and now poor jurdenia awaits my pick up at the sinnos. i guess this little marathon is gonna make gardenia even more jealous, since it hasn't left the sussussudio's balcony since i put it there i dunno when; i need to find a way to make it up to her...
———
Chica and a3war left today.
fe came in on sunday.
we are finalizing our animation. we finished the music yesterday. and today we gonna wrap it up.
———
yesterday had my first steak sandwich from celtic since the end of the war. yumyum.
———
Chica's gifts did not stop at jurdenia, as she delivered me the long-awaited Thom Yorke. i love it. it's awesome. anyone who says any different is lying or he/she loves it and doesn't know it.
and fe... fe got me a radiohead tshirt, and sin city playing cards (although i never play cards), and a history of violence comic book... and he delivered me the stuff i bought from amazon and sent to his place a zillion year ago.
all and all i guess i received plenty of gifts these few days. i might even go out on a limb and say that it felt like my long-lost bday...
———
throbbing headache these last two days. god knows why.
———
today the US embassy in syria got ‘attacked’. what's happening?
what's happening in the south? what's happening in da7yeh? we don't hear anything anymore. as if nothing had happened... i extort some news and khabryett from a friend of mine who's working on the ground in 3ayta el sha3eb. it seems to be a bit messy when it comes to the help and compensations that we hear about...
the beaches are still a mess...
goddamn all of them. and blair even had the nerve to come to beirut to claim he supports beirut's reconstruction. fuck you and ur support, we still did not forget when it was that u felt ‘it was time for a ceasefire’. fuck you.
———
i would like to announce the adoption of Jurdenia. Chica, being the awesome friend that she is, decided to buy me a gardenia plant to make up for Gardenia. she bought it from the jurd, hence the name jurdenia. i felt bad for gardenia, i did not want it to think i was replacing her by new and preppy jurdenia; in that sense too, gardenia has an edge on jurdenia— gardenia is from the bourgeoisie and jurdenia, as her name connotes, is from the jurd al 3aleh and hence is a common peasant. see even in botanics, high society and bourgeois attitudes have their ways.
and so i adopted jurdenia on saturday 9th in sofar. left it on sunday, coz i had lunch in fallougha and sent it to beirut with chica as guardian, who failed miserably at guardianship as she left jurdenia at abou naji's. yes abou naji's; don't ask why, i didn't. if it wasn't for hannad, i don't think poor jurdenia would've left abou naji's. and now poor jurdenia awaits my pick up at the sinnos. i guess this little marathon is gonna make gardenia even more jealous, since it hasn't left the sussussudio's balcony since i put it there i dunno when; i need to find a way to make it up to her...
———
Chica and a3war left today.
fe came in on sunday.
we are finalizing our animation. we finished the music yesterday. and today we gonna wrap it up.
———
yesterday had my first steak sandwich from celtic since the end of the war. yumyum.
———
Chica's gifts did not stop at jurdenia, as she delivered me the long-awaited Thom Yorke. i love it. it's awesome. anyone who says any different is lying or he/she loves it and doesn't know it.
and fe... fe got me a radiohead tshirt, and sin city playing cards (although i never play cards), and a history of violence comic book... and he delivered me the stuff i bought from amazon and sent to his place a zillion year ago.
all and all i guess i received plenty of gifts these few days. i might even go out on a limb and say that it felt like my long-lost bday...
———
throbbing headache these last two days. god knows why.
———
today the US embassy in syria got ‘attacked’. what's happening?
what's happening in the south? what's happening in da7yeh? we don't hear anything anymore. as if nothing had happened... i extort some news and khabryett from a friend of mine who's working on the ground in 3ayta el sha3eb. it seems to be a bit messy when it comes to the help and compensations that we hear about...
the beaches are still a mess...
goddamn all of them. and blair even had the nerve to come to beirut to claim he supports beirut's reconstruction. fuck you and ur support, we still did not forget when it was that u felt ‘it was time for a ceasefire’. fuck you.
6.9.06
Death of Gardenia
Gardenia is dying.
see the proof for urselves.
who would believe this is how Gardenia looked not so long ago.
am so sad. is so dead. that first pic was taken after i shedded all its leaves. they were all brown and dead.
gardenia is dying.
i cut all the little branches, and they were all dry. no green stuff inside. i kept cutting shorter and shorter until i saw green. it was a little. not much.
israelis killed gardenia.
today was also sad. i spent some time in the studio. after the desolating gardenia incident, i decided to go to the fridge, see what's inside. i was hoping for some cold beverage. no beer, but one crush. i took the crush and decided to go out on my big balcony and let myself swing on our hammock we all love that hammock, bello put it up for us. he's a sweetheart bello. ‘u're a doll, bello!’ it is then that i noticed the most horrendous heartbreaking truth of the day: Rami, the dekkanjeh, had left. his dekkane was empty. there was nothing in it, not a teeny tiny thing, not a left over chips bag, not a piece of paper laying around, not an empty bottle of water. nothing. clean as clean can be. well there was a bit of dust on the glass, but clean. it made me sad. rami was gone. of course i wondered who'll pay our bills when we're not home, but that aint it. he's gone. the situation was so bad for him that he had to close down his shop. he seemed as a darwish 2edameh guy, we all loved him. what was he doing now. i hope he's doing fine.
goddamn that war.
to the last shitty news of the day. my lil' cousin's back in the hospital. again. he's got some weird rash on his face and his face is all swollen up because of his tooth's infection.
poor burreem, goddamn u god. yes u damn urself, god. u do that.
u know what if god really exists, i think god is a hater. he just hates. there's no love. there's only hate.
see the proof for urselves.
who would believe this is how Gardenia looked not so long ago.
am so sad. is so dead. that first pic was taken after i shedded all its leaves. they were all brown and dead.
gardenia is dying.
i cut all the little branches, and they were all dry. no green stuff inside. i kept cutting shorter and shorter until i saw green. it was a little. not much.
israelis killed gardenia.
today was also sad. i spent some time in the studio. after the desolating gardenia incident, i decided to go to the fridge, see what's inside. i was hoping for some cold beverage. no beer, but one crush. i took the crush and decided to go out on my big balcony and let myself swing on our hammock we all love that hammock, bello put it up for us. he's a sweetheart bello. ‘u're a doll, bello!’ it is then that i noticed the most horrendous heartbreaking truth of the day: Rami, the dekkanjeh, had left. his dekkane was empty. there was nothing in it, not a teeny tiny thing, not a left over chips bag, not a piece of paper laying around, not an empty bottle of water. nothing. clean as clean can be. well there was a bit of dust on the glass, but clean. it made me sad. rami was gone. of course i wondered who'll pay our bills when we're not home, but that aint it. he's gone. the situation was so bad for him that he had to close down his shop. he seemed as a darwish 2edameh guy, we all loved him. what was he doing now. i hope he's doing fine.
goddamn that war.
to the last shitty news of the day. my lil' cousin's back in the hospital. again. he's got some weird rash on his face and his face is all swollen up because of his tooth's infection.
poor burreem, goddamn u god. yes u damn urself, god. u do that.
u know what if god really exists, i think god is a hater. he just hates. there's no love. there's only hate.
4.9.06
Beirut on September 4, 2006
Beirut sunday 3rd of september 2006.
———
It has been sometime since i wrote. i've been so busy. there's the work, the animation and most importantly, the visiting friends. Hos was here and so is a3war. been going out every night. am tired of it. this last week's outings showed to be more crowded than the former week. there was more people and the balance monot/gemmayze/downtown has been restored. saturday night was jammed again in monot and in downtown, while it was ‘busy’ in gemmayze, there was no crazy traffic there, like the past week.
can't help but wonder if beirut is sliding back comfortably to its past self?
———
i've been seeing again the planes landing and taking off from my room. the now-not-so-comforting hum of their engines and my own favorite little twinkling lights fill the skies over beirut. planes... they used to represent to me freedom, discovery and excitement... and now they seem a bit deceiving, they're scared animals running away from the hunter. i heard qatar airways is going to force its landing in Beirut and challenge the embargo. it seems dangerous. although i highly encourage the idea theoratically, i can't help worrying about the most probably unknowing travellers sitting comfortably in their seats. man, would they be surprised if they saw, from their little portholes, the israeli air force forcing them out. force forcing seems awfully appropriate
———
i think people who have not seen the parliament's sit-in have missed a lot. it was like an uptight version of camp. the members of parliament went in with their bags wearing their suits, and u could see them sitting casually on the mattresses before preparing to their rightfully entitled nap.
i wonder whether they scared each other at night by telling scary stories of the israelis invading us and destroying our cities and 90% of our south over a nice bonfire while grilling their marshmallows.
———
It has been sometime since i wrote. i've been so busy. there's the work, the animation and most importantly, the visiting friends. Hos was here and so is a3war. been going out every night. am tired of it. this last week's outings showed to be more crowded than the former week. there was more people and the balance monot/gemmayze/downtown has been restored. saturday night was jammed again in monot and in downtown, while it was ‘busy’ in gemmayze, there was no crazy traffic there, like the past week.
can't help but wonder if beirut is sliding back comfortably to its past self?
———
i've been seeing again the planes landing and taking off from my room. the now-not-so-comforting hum of their engines and my own favorite little twinkling lights fill the skies over beirut. planes... they used to represent to me freedom, discovery and excitement... and now they seem a bit deceiving, they're scared animals running away from the hunter. i heard qatar airways is going to force its landing in Beirut and challenge the embargo. it seems dangerous. although i highly encourage the idea theoratically, i can't help worrying about the most probably unknowing travellers sitting comfortably in their seats. man, would they be surprised if they saw, from their little portholes, the israeli air force forcing them out. force forcing seems awfully appropriate
———
i think people who have not seen the parliament's sit-in have missed a lot. it was like an uptight version of camp. the members of parliament went in with their bags wearing their suits, and u could see them sitting casually on the mattresses before preparing to their rightfully entitled nap.
i wonder whether they scared each other at night by telling scary stories of the israelis invading us and destroying our cities and 90% of our south over a nice bonfire while grilling their marshmallows.
30.8.06
Beirut on August 30, 2006
it is the end of august. it is the beginning of the end of this summer. so long summer! so long sunshine! what a shitty year 2006 has been. ma ma32ool, not one holiday/vacation mitl el 3alam.
———
My sis sent me stamps today.
and a letter.
she lives abroad and relishes the dramatic.
so she sends letters :D
i like my new stamps. they'r cool.
am gonna use them everywhere.
beware beirut, ZOoz and her stamps are gonna ink you away!
———
had my nick cave session followed by nick drake. then listened to Nine Horses (alphabetical order oblige). david sylvian is a god. what a voice.
and now am listening to my newly-purchased album. schoenberg. brilliant.
i think my music sessions today are satisfactory. i should work a bit on my reading.
better go work now.
———
My sis sent me stamps today.
and a letter.
she lives abroad and relishes the dramatic.
so she sends letters :D
i like my new stamps. they'r cool.
am gonna use them everywhere.
beware beirut, ZOoz and her stamps are gonna ink you away!
———
had my nick cave session followed by nick drake. then listened to Nine Horses (alphabetical order oblige). david sylvian is a god. what a voice.
and now am listening to my newly-purchased album. schoenberg. brilliant.
i think my music sessions today are satisfactory. i should work a bit on my reading.
better go work now.
29.8.06
Mooghamarat ZOozoO al zaghtOora fi brownbag.ae
is ola chica's birthday today.
ZOozoO al zaghtOora came up with the artful idea of sending her buddy ola chica a gift to work. ZOozoO being in beirut, and chica in dubai; the best option was finding an online delivery service. And so started ZOozoO al zaghtOora's adventure on the net surfing for a service.
While googling and searching, ZOozoO al zaghtOora fell on brownbag.ae. brownbag had dvds for sale and for rent and food and smokes and books and batteries and stuff. ZOozoO al zaghtOora noticed the choices were pretty slim, but it sure was better than no gift at all.
ZOozoO al zaghtOora came up with yet another brilliant genial idea of creating a dvd goody bag. so ZOozoO al zaghtOora chose the movie and the junk that righfully should accompany any worthy dvd night.
ZOozoO al zaghtOora was happy. she checked out, reviewed the cart and order, placed her email address alongside to the address of delivery that took 1hr and a half to fully complete and here i take a moment to thank all those who helped in filling the information: the ever resourceful T and rania (i think), the freshly dropped in town almighty Hos and of course the opportunist Coocs who tried to hijack my gift and tried squeezing herself into it, as usual (can u hear me coocoo??)... chose the time slot within which the order should be delivered and proudly clicked on ‘confirm order’.
And so ashamed ZOozoO al zaghtOora called ola chica to inform her that a surprise package would be delivered to her today, but that she would have to pay for it herself.
and now chica waits impatiently for the delivery.
—the end—
ZOozoO al zaghtOora came up with the artful idea of sending her buddy ola chica a gift to work. ZOozoO being in beirut, and chica in dubai; the best option was finding an online delivery service. And so started ZOozoO al zaghtOora's adventure on the net surfing for a service.
While googling and searching, ZOozoO al zaghtOora fell on brownbag.ae. brownbag had dvds for sale and for rent and food and smokes and books and batteries and stuff. ZOozoO al zaghtOora noticed the choices were pretty slim, but it sure was better than no gift at all.
ZOozoO al zaghtOora came up with yet another brilliant genial idea of creating a dvd goody bag. so ZOozoO al zaghtOora chose the movie and the junk that righfully should accompany any worthy dvd night.
ZOozoO al zaghtOora was happy. she checked out, reviewed the cart and order, placed her email address alongside to the address of delivery that took 1hr and a half to fully complete and here i take a moment to thank all those who helped in filling the information: the ever resourceful T and rania (i think), the freshly dropped in town almighty Hos and of course the opportunist Coocs who tried to hijack my gift and tried squeezing herself into it, as usual (can u hear me coocoo??)... chose the time slot within which the order should be delivered and proudly clicked on ‘confirm order’.
Thank you for using brownbag. Your order shall be delivered shortly.It is then that ZOozoO al zaghtOora realized she hadn't got a chance to enter her credit card information, and hence had not paid for the order.
And so ashamed ZOozoO al zaghtOora called ola chica to inform her that a surprise package would be delivered to her today, but that she would have to pay for it herself.
and now chica waits impatiently for the delivery.
? says: (3:33:14 PM)She impatiently waits to pay for her birthday gift.
i'm witin for da dilivery impatiently- mitl l wled l zghar 
—the end—
27.8.06
Beirut on August 27, 2006
Basement yesterday night
i went to basement yesterday night to have a bit of fun. it did not make me happy. i could barely move. i felt awkward. anyway, there were a lot of people, it was packed. but i had feeling no one was really super hyped. i might be projecting, and most probably mistaken, but it felt more as fasshett khele2 then anything else. there was no genuine fun. but it was cool, i love it when there some trance tune and it starts building up and people all start jerking their hands forward in unison, and then when the music bursts the whole crowd explodes and goes back to a regular but energetic throbbing... awesome... made me smile... i guess coz it was the first time i saw people doing something together. hehe.
———
i am so tired today. happy tired. tired coz yesterday i spent all day with youmz and t photoshooting our new stop motion animation. woohooo!!! finally, self initiated physical labor that strains my muscles and culminates in a creative produce that reminds me of why i chose this and ‘this’ is hard to define profession/vocation and makes me proud of myself. sth to add to the portfolio. sth to remind me that to a certain extent i have it better than others, that i should stop grovelling in self-pity when am down, coz i can do things, produce and work in a field that i love.
la positive attitude! haha
and today we're working on editing, on the music and the visual style. i like it! animation baby!
we'll be entering it in namleh at3a, and will be screened within the 2 weeks.
———
am looking for a song i had for the smiths. i can't find it. am going crazy.
so the smiths today! goddamn that haunting voice. is so nice.
i went to basement yesterday night to have a bit of fun. it did not make me happy. i could barely move. i felt awkward. anyway, there were a lot of people, it was packed. but i had feeling no one was really super hyped. i might be projecting, and most probably mistaken, but it felt more as fasshett khele2 then anything else. there was no genuine fun. but it was cool, i love it when there some trance tune and it starts building up and people all start jerking their hands forward in unison, and then when the music bursts the whole crowd explodes and goes back to a regular but energetic throbbing... awesome... made me smile... i guess coz it was the first time i saw people doing something together. hehe.
———
i am so tired today. happy tired. tired coz yesterday i spent all day with youmz and t photoshooting our new stop motion animation. woohooo!!! finally, self initiated physical labor that strains my muscles and culminates in a creative produce that reminds me of why i chose this and ‘this’ is hard to define profession/vocation and makes me proud of myself. sth to add to the portfolio. sth to remind me that to a certain extent i have it better than others, that i should stop grovelling in self-pity when am down, coz i can do things, produce and work in a field that i love.
la positive attitude! haha
and today we're working on editing, on the music and the visual style. i like it! animation baby!
we'll be entering it in namleh at3a, and will be screened within the 2 weeks.
———
am looking for a song i had for the smiths. i can't find it. am going crazy.
so the smiths today! goddamn that haunting voice. is so nice.
25.8.06
Beirut on August 25, 2006
da7yeh from the balcony
i guess some people wish for their balcony in these dark days. these few days have been darker to me. i do not feel better. the fear still exists, it has changed a bit. but it is still there.
———
yesterday a japanese guy killed himself. he threw himself from the window of his hospital room. he had been admitted in jabal 3amel in tyre on wednesday after suffering a nervous breakdown. he had been an aid worker in bint jbeil.
two nights ago, i met a guy who confessed to me he had been drinking every night for the past week to forget what he had seen. trying to drown what he had seen for 10 days in marjeyoun during the aggressions. he told me he had never seen anything like that. he could not rid himself of the images. another guy was also drunk shitless trying to forget his visit to the south.
what have they seen? what's in the south?
i have friends trying to stir things down there, to re-construct, to help out... they tell me in 3aita al cha3eb the old city has been bulldozered. literally bulldozered. the bulldozer sits on what looks now as a terrain vague.
———
and i wait...
i dunno for what. but it's not over. and the only feeling i have inside is one of suspension. suspended. like the dirt left by thousands of air raids in our sky.
fuck'em all.
they have ripped all of us of our lives.
and now we die.
i guess some people wish for their balcony in these dark days. these few days have been darker to me. i do not feel better. the fear still exists, it has changed a bit. but it is still there.
———
yesterday a japanese guy killed himself. he threw himself from the window of his hospital room. he had been admitted in jabal 3amel in tyre on wednesday after suffering a nervous breakdown. he had been an aid worker in bint jbeil.
two nights ago, i met a guy who confessed to me he had been drinking every night for the past week to forget what he had seen. trying to drown what he had seen for 10 days in marjeyoun during the aggressions. he told me he had never seen anything like that. he could not rid himself of the images. another guy was also drunk shitless trying to forget his visit to the south.
what have they seen? what's in the south?
i have friends trying to stir things down there, to re-construct, to help out... they tell me in 3aita al cha3eb the old city has been bulldozered. literally bulldozered. the bulldozer sits on what looks now as a terrain vague.
———
and i wait...
i dunno for what. but it's not over. and the only feeling i have inside is one of suspension. suspended. like the dirt left by thousands of air raids in our sky.
fuck'em all.
they have ripped all of us of our lives.
and now we die.
21.8.06
Beirut on August 21, 2006
i woke up at 4 in the morning; i could hear the planes over my head. they were humming so high i couldn't take them off my mind. except no planes were above beirut tonight. there was no humming. but i could not convince myself otherwise, i could not convince myself it was a fabrication of my tired mind or at least that it was the sound of the AC. i had to drag myself to the balcony half asleep to prove to myself there were no planes. am going nuts; probably symptoms of a post-traumatic stress disorder. i hear it everywhere. but yesterday felt real. i could hear them, expecting to hear the deadly brooaaaggghhhhmmm afterwards. but, thank god, it never came.
how long will i/we live like that?
how long will we live waiting and expecting?
i've been really tired for two days. am starting to feel myself slipping into oblivion, or to be less dramatic, my depressive state.
my mother's story today of hearing the planes while shopping for groceries in our neighborhood does not help; i won't be able to drown that feeling soon...
am tired.
———
yesterday, i went back to one of the lighter routines of living in beirut—the Social's ciné club.
it wasn't bad. i was a bit disappointed, i had been waiting to c that movie for so long...
but it was good. i liked the atmosphere it created.
———
there was a guy i barely know talking yesterday to meemee, he was telling her how hard it was for him to live the experience, fully and humbly admitting he coud not watch tv, see images, or even take photos (he is a photographer), he couldn't. he just had to shun it away. he couldn't handle it. it was too much.
and he reminded me of a conversation i had with nineyeh during the hostilities, i was feeling bad to say it, but i was being honest with myself at least. i couldn't go help other people. it was not from a lack of empathy, believe me. but i just couldn't. i did not have the strength in me to go see these people, and attend to their needs. i have never been a friend to charity, i don't really like it. i find it condescending. a lot would disagree, and would name me —and it's probably true—selfish and scared. but i couldn't. and i still can't. it just is not in me. not evb is build the same way. not evb deals with the same events in the same way.
i would go clean, and i would go build, i would go help in the fields. make me work and make me sweat. it would not be charity, it would be action and survival. it would be fighting the aggression. it would be standing against the oppression.
how long will i/we live like that?
how long will we live waiting and expecting?
i've been really tired for two days. am starting to feel myself slipping into oblivion, or to be less dramatic, my depressive state.
my mother's story today of hearing the planes while shopping for groceries in our neighborhood does not help; i won't be able to drown that feeling soon...
am tired.
———
yesterday, i went back to one of the lighter routines of living in beirut—the Social's ciné club.
it wasn't bad. i was a bit disappointed, i had been waiting to c that movie for so long...
but it was good. i liked the atmosphere it created.
———
there was a guy i barely know talking yesterday to meemee, he was telling her how hard it was for him to live the experience, fully and humbly admitting he coud not watch tv, see images, or even take photos (he is a photographer), he couldn't. he just had to shun it away. he couldn't handle it. it was too much.
and he reminded me of a conversation i had with nineyeh during the hostilities, i was feeling bad to say it, but i was being honest with myself at least. i couldn't go help other people. it was not from a lack of empathy, believe me. but i just couldn't. i did not have the strength in me to go see these people, and attend to their needs. i have never been a friend to charity, i don't really like it. i find it condescending. a lot would disagree, and would name me —and it's probably true—selfish and scared. but i couldn't. and i still can't. it just is not in me. not evb is build the same way. not evb deals with the same events in the same way.
i would go clean, and i would go build, i would go help in the fields. make me work and make me sweat. it would not be charity, it would be action and survival. it would be fighting the aggression. it would be standing against the oppression.
19.8.06
Beirut on August 19, 2006
i woke up today to the news of an israeli commando mission to baalbeck. the news say 3 hezbollah fighters died in the mission. the israelis say the mission was to avoid new weapons arriving to hezbollah. Manar tv has no information in its little running strip of information at the bottom of the screen concerning the issue.
i was well thru half my drink yesterday in sociales when jade told me that he heard news of israelis raiding baalbeck. i sent smses checkin for news, they came conflicting, some saying was a lie no such thing was happening, some others told me that the channels on tv had conflicting stories themselves.
i came back home later, pretty loaded. was not feeling at my best. slept. woke up at 2.30 , tried barfing, couldnt do it, started walking and pacing on the balcony, decided to drink some tea. made the tea, sat on tv... it was 4am i could hear the planes pacing over my head. the israelies were pacing on their balconies too, apparently. apparemment ils avaient eu une nuit bien arrosée aussi. i can hear them now too while writing this...
so much for ceasefires and as T would say, cessation of hostilities... yesterday night nothing was showed on tv, not on the little rotating strips at the bottom of the screen, no big blue boxes at the lower third, no tattattata tata tata tatat tatat taaratata mooojaz lil akhbar.
and today manar didn't say anything...
what's happening...
evb is covering the 50 french UN guys who r getting to naqoura.
roll out the red carpet evb!
in ramallah, the palestinian gvt is demanding the release of the ministers and the members of parliament that were kidnapped by the israelis.
guess israel was pretty busy yesterday night, while i was trying to reignite my night life...
ceasefire mode...
———
Gemmayze on august 17, 00.30am
people are eager to go out to drink. yesterday night, just like the night of august 16 to 17, witnessed a lot of people in the streets. don't go thinking it was packed as if we were july 10 or sth, but pretty packed considering the situation.
was talking to hassib while watching the people in sociales... are they really back?
i saw all of them trying to drown their worries and stress, hassib felt they had forgotten and are back to their habits and 2-dimensional mascarade.
le philanthrope et le misanthrope, l'optimiste et le pessimiste, le crédule et le cynique.
i was well thru half my drink yesterday in sociales when jade told me that he heard news of israelis raiding baalbeck. i sent smses checkin for news, they came conflicting, some saying was a lie no such thing was happening, some others told me that the channels on tv had conflicting stories themselves.
i came back home later, pretty loaded. was not feeling at my best. slept. woke up at 2.30 , tried barfing, couldnt do it, started walking and pacing on the balcony, decided to drink some tea. made the tea, sat on tv... it was 4am i could hear the planes pacing over my head. the israelies were pacing on their balconies too, apparently. apparemment ils avaient eu une nuit bien arrosée aussi. i can hear them now too while writing this...
so much for ceasefires and as T would say, cessation of hostilities... yesterday night nothing was showed on tv, not on the little rotating strips at the bottom of the screen, no big blue boxes at the lower third, no tattattata tata tata tatat tatat taaratata mooojaz lil akhbar.
and today manar didn't say anything...
what's happening...
evb is covering the 50 french UN guys who r getting to naqoura.
roll out the red carpet evb!
in ramallah, the palestinian gvt is demanding the release of the ministers and the members of parliament that were kidnapped by the israelis.
guess israel was pretty busy yesterday night, while i was trying to reignite my night life...
ceasefire mode...
———
Gemmayze on august 17, 00.30am
people are eager to go out to drink. yesterday night, just like the night of august 16 to 17, witnessed a lot of people in the streets. don't go thinking it was packed as if we were july 10 or sth, but pretty packed considering the situation.
was talking to hassib while watching the people in sociales... are they really back?
i saw all of them trying to drown their worries and stress, hassib felt they had forgotten and are back to their habits and 2-dimensional mascarade.
le philanthrope et le misanthrope, l'optimiste et le pessimiste, le crédule et le cynique.
18.8.06
i haven't been able to free up time to blog. to think of what to blog about.
it's crazy. back to my old habits.
back to work...
i've been working on my new website. finally!
———
am posted home these days. no more sussusudio, bcoz of the issue of power and electricity. it's costing a lot to subscribe to a ‘moteur’. which also means that we might lose ‘press here’ studio... which is very sad.
i don't wanna leave it... it's our place... our special place in this awfully cruel world *sob*
we gonna try evth to keep it. if we do keep it, we shall make a party! and if we don't, will make a party too!
so we party anyway!
woohoo
———
johnny cash today... what a great man...
i also am workin on sustaining my newly recovered reading-as-much-as-i-can habit. am reading Speaking with the angel... it's fine until now, it's a collection of short novels by contemporary british writers.
and am also workin on my dvd watchin habit; always learn, key to never getting bored. yesterday i watched alain renais' night and fog. amazing, beautiful, scary, horrifying, goosebumps-maker. loved it.
———
cheers
peace out
it's crazy. back to my old habits.
back to work...
i've been working on my new website. finally!
———
am posted home these days. no more sussusudio, bcoz of the issue of power and electricity. it's costing a lot to subscribe to a ‘moteur’. which also means that we might lose ‘press here’ studio... which is very sad.
i don't wanna leave it... it's our place... our special place in this awfully cruel world *sob*
we gonna try evth to keep it. if we do keep it, we shall make a party! and if we don't, will make a party too!
so we party anyway!
woohoo
———
johnny cash today... what a great man...
i also am workin on sustaining my newly recovered reading-as-much-as-i-can habit. am reading Speaking with the angel... it's fine until now, it's a collection of short novels by contemporary british writers.
and am also workin on my dvd watchin habit; always learn, key to never getting bored. yesterday i watched alain renais' night and fog. amazing, beautiful, scary, horrifying, goosebumps-maker. loved it.
———
cheers
peace out
16.8.06
Beirut on August 16, 2006
Beirut on august 16, 2006
this is my first morning in Beirut. am back to my ashrafieh.
got here yesterday afternoon. unpacked til this morning. set up my computer.
———
watching tv. people discussing the dangerous nasrallah speech.
i don't think they'll be a war. i don't think they'll be a hezbollah mutiny.
they r talking of a possibility of recreating a government, and that is bcoz nasrallah talked of a lack of representation in the current government and attacked by saying that the government was weak and incompetent when it comes to spreading in the south and facing israel. he basically blackmailed and cornered the gvt with the victory of the war.
of course, the tayyar ran to the occasion of backing this up.
now what?
reorganize the country? change the constitution? to what?
or opt for a new version of the old lebanon? the muzzled oppressed syria-directed lebanon?
goddamn. i hate this.
i hate it.
this is my first morning in Beirut. am back to my ashrafieh.
got here yesterday afternoon. unpacked til this morning. set up my computer.
———
watching tv. people discussing the dangerous nasrallah speech.
i don't think they'll be a war. i don't think they'll be a hezbollah mutiny.
they r talking of a possibility of recreating a government, and that is bcoz nasrallah talked of a lack of representation in the current government and attacked by saying that the government was weak and incompetent when it comes to spreading in the south and facing israel. he basically blackmailed and cornered the gvt with the victory of the war.
of course, the tayyar ran to the occasion of backing this up.
now what?
reorganize the country? change the constitution? to what?
or opt for a new version of the old lebanon? the muzzled oppressed syria-directed lebanon?
goddamn. i hate this.
i hate it.
15.8.06
Beirut on August 15, 2006
Beirut as seen fron Ain saade on this august 15
today, in lebanon is 3eed el saydeh (Virgin Mary's day).
people ar happy becoz their employers will not count this day as part of the paid leave; as it has been happening during the war. a lot of people "ruined" their vacation days on the war.
———
am listening to Is This Love by Bob Marley. dunno but it seems far, untouchable. i cant relate to it much, especially after yesterday's Nasrallah tv speech.
he bummed the hell out of me.
war will always haunt us, fear will always threat us. we shall never sleep worry-free, our kids will never see the light of peace.
he wrote for us a lifetime of war and martyrdom and sacrifice.
when will this violence end? how does war and martyrdom achieve anything? when did it ever achieve anything?
and moreover what are our ultimate goals again? coz after all of this, i can't remember why we wage war evertime against israel, the eternal enemy. i don't remember what we aim to achieve after each war. we know very well why we stand against them and all their practices; and we proudly and fiercely stand opposed to their fascist politics and zionist xenophobia. but what is the point of each military action? what does it aim to achieve exactly, specifically?
———
on ira tous au paradis, les enfoirés.
... même moi...
today, august 15, 2006, i'm going back to beirut.
... même moi...
today, in lebanon is 3eed el saydeh (Virgin Mary's day).
people ar happy becoz their employers will not count this day as part of the paid leave; as it has been happening during the war. a lot of people "ruined" their vacation days on the war.
———
am listening to Is This Love by Bob Marley. dunno but it seems far, untouchable. i cant relate to it much, especially after yesterday's Nasrallah tv speech.
he bummed the hell out of me.
war will always haunt us, fear will always threat us. we shall never sleep worry-free, our kids will never see the light of peace.
he wrote for us a lifetime of war and martyrdom and sacrifice.
when will this violence end? how does war and martyrdom achieve anything? when did it ever achieve anything?
and moreover what are our ultimate goals again? coz after all of this, i can't remember why we wage war evertime against israel, the eternal enemy. i don't remember what we aim to achieve after each war. we know very well why we stand against them and all their practices; and we proudly and fiercely stand opposed to their fascist politics and zionist xenophobia. but what is the point of each military action? what does it aim to achieve exactly, specifically?
———
on ira tous au paradis, les enfoirés.
... même moi...
today, august 15, 2006, i'm going back to beirut.
... même moi...
14.8.06
Beirut on August 14, 2006
beirut yesterday night. the heavy raids lasted until around 23.00
Beirut as seen this morning
people started heading back home, although the raids in the south did not stop until this morning. i wish them all the luck in the world.
it's 2 hours and a half into ceasfire mode.
let's cross our fingers.
i hope this ceasefire will last.
go ceasefire go. u can do it.
Beirut as seen this morning
people started heading back home, although the raids in the south did not stop until this morning. i wish them all the luck in the world.
it's 2 hours and a half into ceasfire mode.
let's cross our fingers.
i hope this ceasefire will last.
go ceasefire go. u can do it.
13.8.06
Beirut on August 13, 2006
the bombings did not stop today
on da7yeh, borj brajneh and galerie semaan at lunch time
on borj brajneh, shiyya7 and hay el sellom this evening, at around 19.00
beirut, the sea and the sunset after the 19.00 bombing
attempt at photographing the ship from which we're getting bombed
it's somewhere in these waters
The second bombing at 19.30
and they probably won't stop tonight either.
they won't let anybody in the country sleep.
———
if i'm wrong, i'll be glad to give u a full account tomorrow morning.
if i'm not, i'll do that in the afternoon.
wish all of you a good night.
to more peaceful days.
on da7yeh, borj brajneh and galerie semaan at lunch time
on borj brajneh, shiyya7 and hay el sellom this evening, at around 19.00
beirut, the sea and the sunset after the 19.00 bombing
attempt at photographing the ship from which we're getting bombed
it's somewhere in these waters
The second bombing at 19.30
and they probably won't stop tonight either.
they won't let anybody in the country sleep.
———
if i'm wrong, i'll be glad to give u a full account tomorrow morning.
if i'm not, i'll do that in the afternoon.
wish all of you a good night.
to more peaceful days.
oblique strategies
i hadn't checked my oblique strategies widget, since that whole mess started.
i did so last night before heading to bed. they had always surprised me on how accurate and relevant they seemed each time i'd pick one. it's funny how they seemed to know exactly what i would be going thru.
so yesterday i got "when is it for?".
haha
i had just been watchin tv and nothing major or decisive had come up, so i didn't think i had the answer.
til this morning... apparently kofi anan expects the ceasefire on monday starting 5.00GMT.
3 days ago, i had answered a friend's poll on when a ceasfire would be reached by saying end of the week, but openly admitted i was delusional.
crazy how things work out...
ceasefire. new beginning of a new era. what happens during a ceasefire? how does it work? join us next week starting monday for a complete update.
i did so last night before heading to bed. they had always surprised me on how accurate and relevant they seemed each time i'd pick one. it's funny how they seemed to know exactly what i would be going thru.
so yesterday i got "when is it for?".
haha
i had just been watchin tv and nothing major or decisive had come up, so i didn't think i had the answer.
til this morning... apparently kofi anan expects the ceasefire on monday starting 5.00GMT.
3 days ago, i had answered a friend's poll on when a ceasfire would be reached by saying end of the week, but openly admitted i was delusional.
crazy how things work out...
ceasefire. new beginning of a new era. what happens during a ceasefire? how does it work? join us next week starting monday for a complete update.
12.8.06
israeli phone call again and again
we got called again tonight. this time on dad's mobile phone. i failed miserably at recording it. but i will get it next time. i've figured out the best way to do it.
but most importantly, after concerting with coocs, we came to the conclusion that these phone calls are not made electronically or by some computer program. there are actually people physically calling and starting the transmission of the message.
and so, we came up with the brilliant tactic—or should i say plan—of taking those phone clerks off guard.
when they call on the mobile, the ID comes out as 0000; which never happens anymore for calls from abroad. and in the case of a land line caller id, the ID either comes out as 0 or some equivalent to ‘call from abroad’; and that also never happens when we get calls from abroad.
So basically we can guess it's the israelis calling.
hence when we pick up the phone, we can squeeze a "hoona dawlet loobnan" (or any other moronic prank) before they start their transmission. we'll puzzle them. and they will be bewildered. and we will laugh. and they will cry. and we'd be pointing and laughing "ha ha".
mouahahahaHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
but most importantly, after concerting with coocs, we came to the conclusion that these phone calls are not made electronically or by some computer program. there are actually people physically calling and starting the transmission of the message.
and so, we came up with the brilliant tactic—or should i say plan—of taking those phone clerks off guard.
when they call on the mobile, the ID comes out as 0000; which never happens anymore for calls from abroad. and in the case of a land line caller id, the ID either comes out as 0 or some equivalent to ‘call from abroad’; and that also never happens when we get calls from abroad.
So basically we can guess it's the israelis calling.
hence when we pick up the phone, we can squeeze a "hoona dawlet loobnan" (or any other moronic prank) before they start their transmission. we'll puzzle them. and they will be bewildered. and we will laugh. and they will cry. and we'd be pointing and laughing "ha ha".
mouahahahaHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Beirut on August 9, 2006
Da7yeh boomboom on the highway to baabda
Da7yeh again from baabda
Da7yeh from road mkalles/ain saade
Da7yeh from mkalles/ain saade road. u can c the formation of a new blast.
we were comin back from beirut. i had spent the whole day there. and boom boom.
———
i was waiting for alf to pick me up from Riad el solh. i waited for him in front of the belgian embassy. there were people waiting to get in; either for their papers or for visas, am not sure. i decided to sit on the bench, facing the street. i was filming, and i realized that each and every passer by—whether on foot or in the car—looked, glared and fixed that crowd. they would turn their heads until they twisted their necks, fixing the people under the embassy.
we have a habit of being very curious in this country. but this was not curiosity.
it most definitely was not curiosity. the look was not inquisitive. it was not prying. it was not envy. it was most probably questioning. it was wondering whether they should go wait in front of an embassy too.
are we making the right decision to stay here?
i was reading aya's blog, and she mentioned her boyfriend going to london. and was talking about how she dreaded the idea of having to come back to our country after this war, to find it completely destroyed.
and i realized that was it. it is that the most dreadful. come back to a country in shambles. completely disconnected from its reality. aya would come back to a country, it will not be the one she left. it would be a new version of it. she would've left it as a 1.0 version and came back to a 2.0. whereas to me if i stay, i would be in a 1.2 or a 1.9 or whatever. i would've lived with it. i would've enver disconnected. i would've grown with it. and it would be one with me. change is only scary when u do not live its process. and i would live it.
i will live it.
and i came to the conclusion right now, that i will not leave. and i will stay. and i will wait to re-construct, to re-do, and i will re-lebanon, without ever have left it, without ever disconnecting. it would be the same lebanon. the one i always knew, that has matured and lived through the heavy raids, and gained from it its experience and is more and is better becoz of it.
we would be one. it would run in my veins, and without it i would not live.
———
i had the luck of seeing most of my buddies when i got to beirut. i was so happy to see them again. we had lunch in gemmayze. it was good.
i bid bello farewell. he will be back. he said so. i have him on tape. i have proof. he will be back.
———
i also ran by cd-thèque. i saw zeez and tony. i wanted to buy the new thom yorke, turns out thom couldn't make it. the war had prevented him to reach our shores. goddam this war. israelis have ripped me of my music fix.
i wish the humanitarian aids that are reaching lebanon would include new music...
cynical, zoozoo, very cynical... u r gonna burn in hell, not any hell, the one with no new thom yorke... oh wait! i'm already there... am burning! am burning!... burn baby burn!!!
———
reminiscent of my early posts
a décor above the entrance of a printing press. i dunno if it shows well but the white paint has been laid over the objects. looks cooler in real life.
Museum area, Beirut, Lebanon.
Da7yeh again from baabda
Da7yeh from road mkalles/ain saade
Da7yeh from mkalles/ain saade road. u can c the formation of a new blast.
we were comin back from beirut. i had spent the whole day there. and boom boom.
———
i was waiting for alf to pick me up from Riad el solh. i waited for him in front of the belgian embassy. there were people waiting to get in; either for their papers or for visas, am not sure. i decided to sit on the bench, facing the street. i was filming, and i realized that each and every passer by—whether on foot or in the car—looked, glared and fixed that crowd. they would turn their heads until they twisted their necks, fixing the people under the embassy.
we have a habit of being very curious in this country. but this was not curiosity.
it most definitely was not curiosity. the look was not inquisitive. it was not prying. it was not envy. it was most probably questioning. it was wondering whether they should go wait in front of an embassy too.
are we making the right decision to stay here?
i was reading aya's blog, and she mentioned her boyfriend going to london. and was talking about how she dreaded the idea of having to come back to our country after this war, to find it completely destroyed.
and i realized that was it. it is that the most dreadful. come back to a country in shambles. completely disconnected from its reality. aya would come back to a country, it will not be the one she left. it would be a new version of it. she would've left it as a 1.0 version and came back to a 2.0. whereas to me if i stay, i would be in a 1.2 or a 1.9 or whatever. i would've lived with it. i would've enver disconnected. i would've grown with it. and it would be one with me. change is only scary when u do not live its process. and i would live it.
i will live it.
and i came to the conclusion right now, that i will not leave. and i will stay. and i will wait to re-construct, to re-do, and i will re-lebanon, without ever have left it, without ever disconnecting. it would be the same lebanon. the one i always knew, that has matured and lived through the heavy raids, and gained from it its experience and is more and is better becoz of it.
we would be one. it would run in my veins, and without it i would not live.
———
i had the luck of seeing most of my buddies when i got to beirut. i was so happy to see them again. we had lunch in gemmayze. it was good.
i bid bello farewell. he will be back. he said so. i have him on tape. i have proof. he will be back.
———
i also ran by cd-thèque. i saw zeez and tony. i wanted to buy the new thom yorke, turns out thom couldn't make it. the war had prevented him to reach our shores. goddam this war. israelis have ripped me of my music fix.
i wish the humanitarian aids that are reaching lebanon would include new music...
cynical, zoozoo, very cynical... u r gonna burn in hell, not any hell, the one with no new thom yorke... oh wait! i'm already there... am burning! am burning!... burn baby burn!!!
———
reminiscent of my early posts
a décor above the entrance of a printing press. i dunno if it shows well but the white paint has been laid over the objects. looks cooler in real life.
Museum area, Beirut, Lebanon.
11.8.06
israeli phone call again
i am really late on my posts. i need to write about the last 3 days. but this more important and i shall write it first.
so... i was slackin on the bed, watching another useless ER episode, alone at home, and the phone rings. the phone is in lobby so i have to walk to it. the lobby is dark and i cant see anything. i have a feeling it could be the israelis again, so i look for the light switch, i find five, but none actually lights any lamp in the actual lobby. it's a reenactment of the switch episode of Friends.
i pick up the phone.
allo?
a silence, followed by a tlikik.
and a deep arabic voice, with a perfect oratory super eloquent tone, starts talking in the most monotonous rythmic fashion. he asks whether i, we, knew. whether anybody had told us, informed us before getting into that situation. he asks whether anybody had informed us of the power, force, strength of the —and i quote and translate—"mighty israeli defence force". he ends with sth to the effect of—i had trouble following his perfect adab-worthy sentences— not only did nasrallah gamble with his life and the life of his people but he did so with the lives of others too.
they hang up.
toooot toooooot tooooooot
thk u very much for filling me in, it's so nice to hear from you again. it brings great great warmth to my aching heart every fucking time you guys call. really.
so... i was slackin on the bed, watching another useless ER episode, alone at home, and the phone rings. the phone is in lobby so i have to walk to it. the lobby is dark and i cant see anything. i have a feeling it could be the israelis again, so i look for the light switch, i find five, but none actually lights any lamp in the actual lobby. it's a reenactment of the switch episode of Friends.
i pick up the phone.
allo?
a silence, followed by a tlikik.
and a deep arabic voice, with a perfect oratory super eloquent tone, starts talking in the most monotonous rythmic fashion. he asks whether i, we, knew. whether anybody had told us, informed us before getting into that situation. he asks whether anybody had informed us of the power, force, strength of the —and i quote and translate—"mighty israeli defence force". he ends with sth to the effect of—i had trouble following his perfect adab-worthy sentences— not only did nasrallah gamble with his life and the life of his people but he did so with the lives of others too.
they hang up.
toooot toooooot tooooooot
thk u very much for filling me in, it's so nice to hear from you again. it brings great great warmth to my aching heart every fucking time you guys call. really.
10.8.06
8.8.06
i had asked that question once, and after Galloway's comment, it keeps knocking back:
why is the israeli blood more valuable to the West than our blood?
why?
how come the blood of a soldier—who is technically, with all objectivity, a direct offspring of the violence and war machine, and consequently inherent part of Violence—is more valuable than one of a civilian? more valuable than one of a child?
where does all that racism and blinding hatred come from? and why?
why?
i ask this question independantly of the war. and i want an answer irrelevant to the happenings of the war. forget who is right and who is wrong. who u r with, and who u r against. forget who started and who retaliated. answer that question as clearly, and as straight as one can.
why is israeli blood more valuable than lebanese blood?
why is the israeli blood more valuable to the West than our blood?
why?
how come the blood of a soldier—who is technically, with all objectivity, a direct offspring of the violence and war machine, and consequently inherent part of Violence—is more valuable than one of a civilian? more valuable than one of a child?
where does all that racism and blinding hatred come from? and why?
why?
i ask this question independantly of the war. and i want an answer irrelevant to the happenings of the war. forget who is right and who is wrong. who u r with, and who u r against. forget who started and who retaliated. answer that question as clearly, and as straight as one can.
why is israeli blood more valuable than lebanese blood?
George Galloway interview
on sky news on August 6, 2006 (i think)
if u are wondering who that man is, wikipedia says.
impressive balls on that man. respect.
i love his reading of the media... am not sure about the who's winning the war comment... sure doesn't feel like we're winning or will be winning anything these days. we lost so much til now...
but i sure am happy to see alternative politicians exist in good ol' UK.
if u are wondering who that man is, wikipedia says.
impressive balls on that man. respect.
i love his reading of the media... am not sure about the who's winning the war comment... sure doesn't feel like we're winning or will be winning anything these days. we lost so much til now...
but i sure am happy to see alternative politicians exist in good ol' UK.
Beirut on August 8, 2006
Beirut as seen on this cloudy windy day (was gonna literally fly away while taking the pic)
Reconstructed Ashrafieh and downtown cityscape.
i'm having problems posting pics today...
Everyday we wake up to a new reality, eventuality.
yesterday Sanyoura wept during his speech. his voice broke. the words would not come out. a grown man crying his country. breaks anybody's heart to see. who would think that a politician would feel so much love, respect and so much responsibility toward his country.
he broke our hearts. he gave me goosebumps.
and we survive. and we resist. til when?
———
i've been listening to Iron & Wine all morning. i love his voice, the sound... soothing.
while i was preparing today's post, i felt a panic attack rising within. not a full-fledged panic attack. the rise of one—the heart palpitation, the sweat, the head block (dunno how to describe it, other than a blata on the forehead).
maybe is it the realisation of our endless numbered days...
what's waiting for us?
am i making a terrible mistake by staying here, waiting for things to calm down?
but how can i leave my beloved country? trabo bi dammeh... i can;t... the mere idea of leaving brings tears to my eyes (honest to god, i am all teary right this instant)
i feel like a bratty teenager; angry at everybody, wanting to be left alone, wanting to run to my room, slam the door behind me and sink my face in the pillow (never really did it,... i see it in those american teen angst movies... and if u r asking how come i watch teen movies, i better clear this from now: i can watch anything—except for Jerry Springer and anything remotely resembling it, that's just wrong and pure filth)
———
no more Iron & Wine... what to listen to... hum...
ok. following the filmmaker's advice. am listening to robert wyatt's eps.
i had never heard his version of i'm a believer... i like it...
———
ok. i'm gonna try posting those pics again, and try to work.
Reconstructed Ashrafieh and downtown cityscape.
i'm having problems posting pics today...
Everyday we wake up to a new reality, eventuality.
yesterday Sanyoura wept during his speech. his voice broke. the words would not come out. a grown man crying his country. breaks anybody's heart to see. who would think that a politician would feel so much love, respect and so much responsibility toward his country.
he broke our hearts. he gave me goosebumps.
and we survive. and we resist. til when?
———
i've been listening to Iron & Wine all morning. i love his voice, the sound... soothing.
...———
Now we lie on the floor
While the radio war
Finds its way through the air
Of the dead market square
And the beast never seen
Licks its red talons clean
...
Radio war by Iron & Wine from Our Endless Numbered Days
while i was preparing today's post, i felt a panic attack rising within. not a full-fledged panic attack. the rise of one—the heart palpitation, the sweat, the head block (dunno how to describe it, other than a blata on the forehead).
maybe is it the realisation of our endless numbered days...
what's waiting for us?
am i making a terrible mistake by staying here, waiting for things to calm down?
but how can i leave my beloved country? trabo bi dammeh... i can;t... the mere idea of leaving brings tears to my eyes (honest to god, i am all teary right this instant)
i feel like a bratty teenager; angry at everybody, wanting to be left alone, wanting to run to my room, slam the door behind me and sink my face in the pillow (never really did it,... i see it in those american teen angst movies... and if u r asking how come i watch teen movies, i better clear this from now: i can watch anything—except for Jerry Springer and anything remotely resembling it, that's just wrong and pure filth)
———
no more Iron & Wine... what to listen to... hum...
ok. following the filmmaker's advice. am listening to robert wyatt's eps.
i had never heard his version of i'm a believer... i like it...
———
ok. i'm gonna try posting those pics again, and try to work.
7.8.06
i will not post the picture of beirut i took today. don't feel like it. it's always the same.
———
i'm worried about the israeli threat to the lebanese infrastructure (or whatever is left of it) and to the symbols of the lebanese government.
they won't leave anything standing. they're ruthless and cruel.
khalllaaaaaaassss.
it seems it's gonna rain today. it's in the air. the cleansing rain.
started the day with nick cave, let love in. then the power went out. it seems it's gonna go more more and more now. the moteur dude has problems with the engine. and if the israelis are serious about the threat, i can only imagine them targetting the power plants—and so babye power, babye civilization, hello loneliness.
akh ya allah.
am gonna run. do sth else. don't feel like writing.
although i should start functioning like our mothers and the power and the laundry cycle. wake up and function as long as there is power.
meen ilo jledeh, w la aya bileh.
———
sanyoura talking, making speech.
gotta run.
———
i'm worried about the israeli threat to the lebanese infrastructure (or whatever is left of it) and to the symbols of the lebanese government.
they won't leave anything standing. they're ruthless and cruel.
khalllaaaaaaassss.
it seems it's gonna rain today. it's in the air. the cleansing rain.
started the day with nick cave, let love in. then the power went out. it seems it's gonna go more more and more now. the moteur dude has problems with the engine. and if the israelis are serious about the threat, i can only imagine them targetting the power plants—and so babye power, babye civilization, hello loneliness.
akh ya allah.
am gonna run. do sth else. don't feel like writing.
although i should start functioning like our mothers and the power and the laundry cycle. wake up and function as long as there is power.
meen ilo jledeh, w la aya bileh.
———
sanyoura talking, making speech.
gotta run.
6.8.06
Beirut on August 6, 2006
Da7yeh's raid at 17.00 today
wedding in between
Da7yeh's second raid
after a silent night, a busy afternoon...
———
ray la montagne today...
i like it...
–——
not much to say today, except we barely got power today... i read all day. if there's one thing positive i can get out of this summer's explosive experience, it's that i'm back to reading—i finally, but sadly, have time for it.
music and books, who needs more?
better than yacking politicians...
wedding in between
Da7yeh's second raid
after a silent night, a busy afternoon...
———
ray la montagne today...
i like it...
–——
not much to say today, except we barely got power today... i read all day. if there's one thing positive i can get out of this summer's explosive experience, it's that i'm back to reading—i finally, but sadly, have time for it.
music and books, who needs more?
better than yacking politicians...
5.8.06
Beirut on August 5, 2006
Beirut, da7yeh around 00.30
a zoom on da7yeh around 00.30
Beirut towards mazraa at the same time
Beirut, towards ashrafieh at around the same time too
yesterday i was worried beirut would be hit again.
my suspicions were substantiated at around 4 in the morning.
Beirut this morning
the pic is bad but one can discern some hangin smoke and dirt in two spots...
———
yesterday we received a call home from the israeli government. the recorded messages have been sent to a lot of people here. it's always the same thing; hezbollah bad, israeli good sermon.
my mum answered the phone. she freaked out obviously. she said they referred to hezbollah as rats infesting our streets and they addressed us asking why we give em shelter...
a77a.
———
i woke up hopeful today. after a long stretch of depression and gloom, a tiny sunshine.
dunno y, maybe is it coz i managed to sleep a stretch of 6 hrs after the 4 o'clock raid—longest i've had in weeks.
maybe it's coz i had nineyeh on the phone yesterday, i bummed the hell out of her... poor soul.. and she still asks about me...
i miss her and i miss chica, and i miss meemee, and i miss sooni and rooji and evb else.
i do.
i keep recalling moments together, good times.
look where we're at now...
———
i've been listening to seu jorge's life aquatic sessions all morning.
from now on i'll have music sessions everyday. i need it. i hadn't been listening to anything since the shit hit the fan.
yesterday night, when we lost the power, i had a hail to the thief session; it had been really long since i had listened to it. man it's good, akhoo maniookeh hal album.
maybe that's y i woke up feeling good (or better, let's not push it).
———
underwater... i love you...
a zoom on da7yeh around 00.30
Beirut towards mazraa at the same time
Beirut, towards ashrafieh at around the same time too
yesterday i was worried beirut would be hit again.
my suspicions were substantiated at around 4 in the morning.
Beirut this morning
the pic is bad but one can discern some hangin smoke and dirt in two spots...
———
yesterday we received a call home from the israeli government. the recorded messages have been sent to a lot of people here. it's always the same thing; hezbollah bad, israeli good sermon.
my mum answered the phone. she freaked out obviously. she said they referred to hezbollah as rats infesting our streets and they addressed us asking why we give em shelter...
a77a.
———
i woke up hopeful today. after a long stretch of depression and gloom, a tiny sunshine.
dunno y, maybe is it coz i managed to sleep a stretch of 6 hrs after the 4 o'clock raid—longest i've had in weeks.
maybe it's coz i had nineyeh on the phone yesterday, i bummed the hell out of her... poor soul.. and she still asks about me...
i miss her and i miss chica, and i miss meemee, and i miss sooni and rooji and evb else.
i do.
i keep recalling moments together, good times.
look where we're at now...
———
i've been listening to seu jorge's life aquatic sessions all morning.
from now on i'll have music sessions everyday. i need it. i hadn't been listening to anything since the shit hit the fan.
yesterday night, when we lost the power, i had a hail to the thief session; it had been really long since i had listened to it. man it's good, akhoo maniookeh hal album.
maybe that's y i woke up feeling good (or better, let's not push it).
———
underwater... i love you...
4.8.06
Beirut on August 4, 2006
Beirut from ain saade, after this morning's shower.
i didn't sleep much. after sleeping at around 5.30 i woke up again at 7.30 to the jounieh/coast bombings.
i feel like i'm in ten little niggers/indians. u know they changed it's name later to "and then there was none". yeah... that's us.
———
i got this by email yesterday night.
i dunno where it's taken from. i dunno if it's new or current. all i know is that it's even worse than the pic i posted last time. far more morbid. far more heartless. far more cruel. and far more clear.
am gonna go google this; to see where it's taken from. see if it's true. if it's real. coz it's unbelievable. it reminds me of the pics taken of the american GIs in Iraq torturing their prisonners.
———
i am listening to Seaside Smokes by David Byrne and its suffocating me. i feel like i wanna reach for my heart and wrench it out of there and break it into pieces.
i should pull myself from this daprasseh, but i can't today...
i'm all worn out.
i didn't sleep much. after sleeping at around 5.30 i woke up again at 7.30 to the jounieh/coast bombings.
i feel like i'm in ten little niggers/indians. u know they changed it's name later to "and then there was none". yeah... that's us.
———
i got this by email yesterday night.
i dunno where it's taken from. i dunno if it's new or current. all i know is that it's even worse than the pic i posted last time. far more morbid. far more heartless. far more cruel. and far more clear.
am gonna go google this; to see where it's taken from. see if it's true. if it's real. coz it's unbelievable. it reminds me of the pics taken of the american GIs in Iraq torturing their prisonners.
———
i am listening to Seaside Smokes by David Byrne and its suffocating me. i feel like i wanna reach for my heart and wrench it out of there and break it into pieces.
i should pull myself from this daprasseh, but i can't today...
i'm all worn out.
3.8.06
am tired
of everything.
of politicians.
of the situation.
of the stories.
of the horror.
of the israelis.
of their bombings.
of hezbollah.
of the speculations.
of this mess we're in.
———
israelis threatened beirut again tonight.
i guess i won't sleep again.
i am tired.
of politicians.
of the situation.
of the stories.
of the horror.
of the israelis.
of their bombings.
of hezbollah.
of the speculations.
of this mess we're in.
———
israelis threatened beirut again tonight.
i guess i won't sleep again.
i am tired.
2.8.06
berkooleh
i have received my first israeli or israeli sympathizer hate comment.
happy to know the fascist self righteous are interested in my blog.
happy to know the fascist self righteous are interested in my blog.
Get a load of this crap
crap.
poor mr. producer who lost a lot of money.
poor serious israeli concert goers who missed their chance to have what was it again?... a real choice of concerts.
u bring tears to my eyes.
poor mr. producer who lost a lot of money.
poor serious israeli concert goers who missed their chance to have what was it again?... a real choice of concerts.
u bring tears to my eyes.
Beirut on August 2, 2006
First picture of beirut in August.
we heard today israelis warned people that they will hit beirut "bil 3imi2". i thought i'll take a picture of a before... i hope the after is exactly the same.
stop destroying us and our cities and our beirut.
they're going to burn and destroy my baalbeck.
enough. 7ello 3anna. ikhtkonn 3a ikht el bazarkon.
ijreh fiyon.
———
am finding it hard to write or think of anything comprehensive or senseful. am angry, pissed and frustrated.
i read other blogs. read of what people are doing, feeling, sensing.
(...) lost my train of thought...
oh yeah... try to relate, i sometimes do, but i often don't.
i feel alone, lonely and lonesome.
i don't have a point to make. and i won't make any.
———
the baalbeck raid thing has left me baffled and floored.
they can do anything. anything.
i want this to end. i want to reconstruct. redo. reengage. restart. rebuild. rewalk. redrink. reeat. re-evth.
(which reminds me, go to www.re-lebanon.org)
how subtle, zoozoo...
———
i think am gonna go eat. maybe food will bring some order to my thoughts... should eat fast though, never know when the power will be back... gotta make the best use out of it... work a bit... surf a bit...
we heard today israelis warned people that they will hit beirut "bil 3imi2". i thought i'll take a picture of a before... i hope the after is exactly the same.
stop destroying us and our cities and our beirut.
they're going to burn and destroy my baalbeck.
enough. 7ello 3anna. ikhtkonn 3a ikht el bazarkon.
ijreh fiyon.
———
am finding it hard to write or think of anything comprehensive or senseful. am angry, pissed and frustrated.
i read other blogs. read of what people are doing, feeling, sensing.
(...) lost my train of thought...
oh yeah... try to relate, i sometimes do, but i often don't.
i feel alone, lonely and lonesome.
i don't have a point to make. and i won't make any.
———
the baalbeck raid thing has left me baffled and floored.
they can do anything. anything.
i want this to end. i want to reconstruct. redo. reengage. restart. rebuild. rewalk. redrink. reeat. re-evth.
(which reminds me, go to www.re-lebanon.org)
how subtle, zoozoo...
———
i think am gonna go eat. maybe food will bring some order to my thoughts... should eat fast though, never know when the power will be back... gotta make the best use out of it... work a bit... surf a bit...
1.8.06
31.7.06
Beirut on July 31, 2006
Beirut from Ain Saade
ashrafieh
Port and downtown
i woke up tired today.
it is hard for me to process yesterday's happenings.
———
it occured to me yesterday that for the first time—or at least as far as i can remember— i am conscious that i am afraid. not afraid, like i'm afraid to miss the plane, or afraid to fail. but i'm talking of the genuine basic emotion called fear.
According to the Merriam-Webster:
your heart races, ur stomach squinches, ur head turns, ur legs sag... a horrible feeling...
a torturing experience.
and then the residue of it all is that u develop a fear of fear. u start anticipating—especially at night— the emergence of the feeling; u worry it's gonna hit u again, u start overhearing things, u wanna overcome the feeling so u think u can ambush it by avoiding the surprise, but that is fear itself. so u build up the scenario and worry and stress. and it all curls up into one huge ball that squeezes ur heart into ur lungs, a huge ball of uneasiness, that clogs ur throat, moistens ur eyes, quivers ur voice and leaves u all jittery.
this all happens between the first time u hear a boom or the airplanes flying above u until an hour after it all stops.
they say it's a psychological war, it's a war of nerves, but what it really is, it's a wrecking of nerves. from a 7arb a3sab to a 7are2 a3sab.
coz a war implies two parties, an attack and a retaliation, an argument and a counter-argument, ... but in our case there's no counterweight, no reply... we r not applying the same tension on the other party... we r only bearing pressure and we r not pressuring...
nous subissons et ne faisons pas subir.
and this is the reality of the situation, whatever u hear on TV or read in a newspaper.
ashrafieh
Port and downtown
i woke up tired today.
it is hard for me to process yesterday's happenings.
———
it occured to me yesterday that for the first time—or at least as far as i can remember— i am conscious that i am afraid. not afraid, like i'm afraid to miss the plane, or afraid to fail. but i'm talking of the genuine basic emotion called fear.
According to the Merriam-Webster:
Main Entry: 2feari cannot remember the last time i was genuinely afraid. i recollect a similar feeling of anxiety and stress—the pain in the stomach, the headache, the nausea... but not that feeling of helplessness tied to an incomprehension of the feeling itself —not to mention its consequences on the physical self—, mixed with a dreading of the unknown.
Function: noun
Etymology: Middle English fer, from Old English f[AE]r sudden danger; akin to Old High German fAra ambush and perhaps to Latin periculum attempt, peril, Greek peiran to attempt
1 a : an unpleasant often strong emotion caused by anticipation or awareness of danger b (1) : (2) : a state marked by this emotion
2 : anxious concern : SOLICITUDE
3 : profound reverence and awe especially toward God
4 : reason for alarm : DANGER
synonyms FEAR, an instance of this emotion DREAD, FRIGHT, ALARM, PANIC, TERROR, TREPIDATION mean painful agitation in the presence or anticipation of danger. FEAR is the most general term and implies anxiety and usually loss of courage <fear of the unknown>. DREAD usually adds the idea of intense reluctance to face or meet a person or situation and suggests aversion as well as anxietydread>. FRIGHT implies the shock of sudden, startling fear <fright at being awakened suddenly>. ALARM suggests a sudden and intense awareness of immediate danger alarm>. PANIC implies unreasoning and overmastering fear causing hysterical activity panic>. TERROR implies the most extreme degree of fear terror>. TREPIDATION adds to DREAD the implications of timidity, trembling, and hesitation trepidation>.
your heart races, ur stomach squinches, ur head turns, ur legs sag... a horrible feeling...
a torturing experience.
and then the residue of it all is that u develop a fear of fear. u start anticipating—especially at night— the emergence of the feeling; u worry it's gonna hit u again, u start overhearing things, u wanna overcome the feeling so u think u can ambush it by avoiding the surprise, but that is fear itself. so u build up the scenario and worry and stress. and it all curls up into one huge ball that squeezes ur heart into ur lungs, a huge ball of uneasiness, that clogs ur throat, moistens ur eyes, quivers ur voice and leaves u all jittery.
this all happens between the first time u hear a boom or the airplanes flying above u until an hour after it all stops.
they say it's a psychological war, it's a war of nerves, but what it really is, it's a wrecking of nerves. from a 7arb a3sab to a 7are2 a3sab.
coz a war implies two parties, an attack and a retaliation, an argument and a counter-argument, ... but in our case there's no counterweight, no reply... we r not applying the same tension on the other party... we r only bearing pressure and we r not pressuring...
nous subissons et ne faisons pas subir.
and this is the reality of the situation, whatever u hear on TV or read in a newspaper.
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